snapshots of an idle mind

June 15, 2008

all right all right




i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.


those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.


it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.


February 6, 2008



i am looking at a cleaner desk.

i am looking at a cleaner desk that is symbolic of something so much better.

you see i hired my friend to come over and sort through all my papers. she will take all those myriad statements and bills and receipts and turn them in to some kind of useful filing system.

after that? she will enter all of this data into a spreadsheet and then? and then we will hire a bookkeeper who will do my taxes for the last five years.

yeah shut up, i am aware that i should have done them more recently. that said, i pretty much always do them every five years so this is nothing new. in fact i think the government will faint when i start to file annually.

so there are a few interesting thoughts hiding in the above, not the least of which is that i have finally accepted that *i* will NEVER get this crap done. i have been trying to make myself do this stuff for two years!

two years!

do you want to know when even some of it happened? yeah, last time i got this friend to come over and help me.

*sigh* i suck at this stuff. i can hardly call clients back and answer email let alone get my filing and paperwork done; so here’s the thing, i have accepted that i will not do this and chosen to spend some money so that it happens anyway.

i think this is akin to admitting that i cannot keep my house clean enough to run a business in and hiring a maid. i think it’s delegating of the highest order. this is extra funny because i’m always telling my boyfriend that he needs to learn to delegate.

but well, it’s a lot easier to see what other people need than what you do.

the other interesting thing hiding in the above is that i hired someone.

i have in fact hired another human being simply to make my life go better.  not only have i hired them but i’ve committed to paying them.  you know what this means?  this means that i actually BELIEVE my business is doing well enough to commit a couple of hundred dollars a month to making it run better.

yeah i’m kind of stunned to find myself in that position too but there it is.   i actually believe in my business enough to ask someone else to believe in it enough to work for me in expectation of money.  i mean she can make financial decisions because of me!

that’s so strange it is.


in other news, nayrb and i have finally booked our vacation.

i know!  i’m going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!!!

no work for a WEEK!

that mythical vacation i’ve been talking about for four years?  finally here!

*snoopydance of glee*

here’s the beach:


and because i know you guys love this shit, here is the link to the resort.

the best part?

it’s in cuba which is one of the few places i had really despaired of visiting in time.  by this i mean that when fidel dies something is going to get different in cuba and i really wanted to see it the way it is now rather than the way it will be.  not that it isn’t possible that what’s coming will be better but still, it’s worth seeing now.

i don’t think we’ll be near enough to see havana, but there is apparently a quaint little town nearby that should satisfy our urge to see some real cuba… but let’s be honest, i just want to sleep and eat and drink and swim in the ocean and hang out with my boyfriend…

ahhh bliss.

January 22, 2008

brick wall


living in downtown toronto spoils you in ways you maybe don’t notice until you literally bounce your head off the wall created by someone else ardently disagreeing with you.

in this place it’s normal to be of any random skin colour possible, or to speak multiple languages of which one might be farsi or greek or english or punjab or mandarin or italian or…

and no one cares.

no one cares at all.  we go about our busy and scattered lives and pay no attention to the people doing the same all around us.  we don’t care who they love or what they do unless they are part of the vanishingly small percentage we interact with directly.

it’s kind of an i won’t mess with you if you leave me alone attitude actually.

but i forget, living here, what it’s like in places that aren’t here.  places where everyone is the same colour or everyone speaks the same language or everyone is (apparently) the same sexual orientation.

you see i don’t remember that some people still walk around saying things like ‘all faggots could die for all i care’ or ‘i hope you don’t expect me to feel sympathy for a dead actor who played a gay cowboy.  fucker messed with the last bastion of manness’ or ‘if god had meant for people to be homos they would make babies that way’ or some  other equally asinine crap like that.

i forget and then i ram my head into it.

i think we’ve come so far you know.  gay marriage is legal in this country, it’s making encroachments in the USA and it’s legal in several other countries in the world.

there are fewer gay bashing incidents here than there once were and people hardly bat an eye when they see two men or two women walking down the street holding hands.

nobody cares.  they’re all too busy worrying about their own problems now.  i mean sure there’s the crazy preacher who shows up to picket the pride parade every year but that’s about it.

nobody cares.

exactly what the gay community wants, to be left alone.

and then i hear words like these and i start to get upset and i go looking for information to throw at people and i find this great article about homosexuality in animals… which is here.

foolishly i try to get the other side of the argument to read it.  to at least have an argument based on similar information and all they can talk about is how nature says sex is only for making babies when more and more opinion is swaying to the contrary.

i just don’t know why i still get into these arguments, i should know that there’s no arguing with someone when they have god on their side and the power of their convictions to slay you with.  i should know better than to even try to find reason in this kind of discourse.

and then i think to myself but what about those learned religious scholars who are out there trying to reconcile science with god and sort of succeeding?  what about them?

do i not insult their very openness to new information by assuming that anyone who tosses god into an argument is inherently wrong? that said i suspect that the exceptional scholars are rarely if ever heard to utter the phrase ‘you’re wrong because god says so’

i just don’t understand, didn’t jesus say ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone?’  doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to NOT judge your neighbour?

apparently though if you repent and are willing to give up being gay you’re welcome in some people’s church…

*shaking head* and i wanted something to write about…

December 18, 2007



i am the luckiest girl in the world.

no really i am.

not only do i have a lovely new boyfriend and much loved family and friends that love me but i have a job that i utterly treasure. i have the kind of job where i wake up cranky because my alarm went off and within five minutes of starting work i’m smiling and by the end of the day i’m fully excited about every second of it.

sure i’m happy when the day is over, who isn’t? even donald trump is likely glad when he finishes his day and that man loves to work a ridiculous amount. i’m also happy when i have days off or an unexpected free evening.

heck, the idea of seven days off in a row is enough to make me soak my chair, but that’s not the point. the point is that i have a job that charges me, excites me, challenges me and rewards me just in the doing of it.

along the way i’ve started to make at least a decent living and all signs point to that living firmly falling into the nice category by next year sometime. i mean i’ve almost paid off my credit card even!

i might even be able to buy a chair!

you know, what everyone does when they run out of debt, incur more!

anyway, my life is rocking along and years of really hard work are coming to fruition. i’m planning a vacation in february and to attend some conferences next year and i’m not worrying about how to pay for them.

they told me it would take five years and i’ve finished three or four depending on how you count so i’m even ahead of the game. maybe soon i can put serious money aside and buy a place.

this is already a great place to be right?

and then along comes christmas. along comes christmas and i get nine days off out of eleven or a five day weekend followed two days later by a four day weekend and then a three day week to boot.

i get a new client who buys a ten pack on his first day… and he’s awesome and it’s going to be so fun with him.

three of my clients in the same week come due for packs of ten classes and suddenly i practically have my rent for february paid… and i’m finished my christmas shopping already except for my annual splurge at the liquor store for hostess gift wine and prosecco and hosting libations.

and then?

i know, i’m already feeling incredibly blessed when my aunt hands me down her two year old computer… with a flat screen monitor to boot… [my desktop blew up in november]

yeah and then?

my clients, who i love and who keep me in brunches at maggie’s and finally new clothes? (did i mention i finally got those shoes?)

those clients? the ones who write me cheques and invite me to christmas parties at a chocolate factory?

they start handing me christmas presents.

i know… it makes me want to cry i’m so touched…

my tuesday night class as a group got me a gift… i mean wow.

i’m so moved.

i carried in three presents from two hours of work today… i mean… wow.

like wow.

i just feel really lucky right now and i thought you all should know.

also? yes the chocolate is as good as it looks, i recommend the fleur de sel caramels, the brownies and the gingerbread caramel squares thingies….

peace and love and luck like my current streak go out to all of you, even the ones who have never commented but read this… all of you, even the people who think i’m evil… all of you.

may the season bring joy and laughter and a few tears… but the good kind and kisses and hugs and chocolate and sweet nothings and food you love and small indulgences…

happy solstice and christmas and eid and chanukah.. at least one of which i spelled wrong…

thanks universe.

November 28, 2007

may you live in…

Filed under: bliss,dating,exercise,hockey,life,men,pilates,responsibility,surreal,work — sassinak @ 8:23 pm


life is funny, last week i worked fifteen hours and this week i’m working 26 and next week too. (i need to work 20 specifically teaching which does not include travel and down time between clients… my scheduled work week is from 3 on monday to 2 on saturday and i work most evenings and every morning early.)

it was great, i got wednesday evening and friday afternoon/evening off!

anyway i’m hoping to get to a state where i work 25 hours a week and don’t have to work late into the evening on the same morning as i start at 6:30am.

more than that i’m hoping to take a vacation in february. first one since i went to new york with my sister just before tr and i split up. wow.

an actual vacation.

what the heck are the odds?

interestingly my friend the rolfer told me it would take five years to get to the point where i had a waiting list, and i’m at three and a half years since i finished my certification and four since i taught my first lesson (hi othercat!)

she was right too because i’m just about at that waiting list point but not quite because i’m still trying too much to find some savings. i think i might need to spend less on my education if i want to do that but that’s hard to countenance.

that said, 20 hours a week is a nice life and a consistent 25 is savings… go schedule!


i’m now wandering toward the three month mark with nayrb which is an interesting time as well. it’s that point where you start to really look at the person you’re dating and see them more clearly.

you notice the little behaviours which are equally endearing and annoying depending entirely on your mood at the time. you see the edges and the funny habits and the attitudes you may or may not like.

you see where communication is full and where it breaks down and, if you’re me, you start to think. you notice what it’s like when you’re quiet together and when you’re both cranky and you wonder how that will work when you know each other better.

but most fun of all you start to believe just a little.

you start to think that maybe this might be someone that you could have around for a while. in fact you begin to grow accustomed to their presence in your life and their voice in your ear before you sleep at night.

you learn the sound of breath and the cadence of speech and the little private jokes and you start to feel that you are actually connecting deeply to another human being.

and it’s fun.


oh god the leafs are so bad.

i love the leafs i really do but i might pretend that this year is a hockey strike.

the boys aren’t playing and i just wish that someone would light a fire under their asses.

someone? anyone?


my lovely client B has decided to watch this year for the soap opera surrounding the leafs rather than for the team itself.

this strikes me as a great plan.



i really really really love my job.

it’s the best job ever.


hillside inside!

one day only on february second the magic of hillside comes to the sleeman centre in guelph…

AND???? xavier rudd is playing!!!


if you’ll excuse me, i have to go meet a beautiful man for dinner…

September 24, 2007

unpaid credit cards and other calamities


my client is a no-show, lucky you you get a post… and i still have enough work this week that i’m not worried  :)



six years ago on january twenty second of this coming year i got into a car accident.  i had just spent the weekend patrolling at osler bluff ski club and was just delighted with my new ski patrol versus my old one.

my boyfriend and i were discussing moving in with each other (which we did in fact subsequently do… and then undo) and our great love for each other along with our hope that we could keep it that way.

i had just been promoted and was finally starting to get the hang of my new job (promoted, might i add, over forty eight other applicants ALL of whom had worked for the company longer than i had.)

financially i had finally gotten myself to a place where i was spending less than i made AND my car was all fixed after a short period of unemployment caused me to not fix a few things.

i had been off the cigarettes for more than a year and was believing that i might stay off (which i have) and had been working out enough that i had muscles and a nice body again at last. [amazing what a boost of energy NOT smoking gave me.]

in fact, i had just (three days earlier in fact) finally paid the balance on my credit card.  a balance which had crept up and up since i moved to toronto and just hadn’t quite managed to get itself paid off.

look, look i danced to myself, i finally don’t owe anyone anything and i have a nice life and a great job and a fantastic guy and wheee go me!

and wham.

i get in a car accident.

a little, tiny, inconsequential even, fender bender.  the kind that does all of six hundred dollars damage to one’s car IF they bother to replace the slightly scratched bumper.

the kind of accident that one effectively pays NO attention to.  and then… it crept.

little things started to hurt more and more and physical activity got harder and harder and suddenly, six months later, there i am fat and broken and hopeless thinking that i’ll never get well.   physios are giving up on me and life is just not going well.

eventually i meet my teacher and realise that being strapped to a desk is going to render it nearly impossible for me to heal and i quit my job.  nobody tells me that i’m entitled to go on disability.  nope, nor do they tell me that i might have been eligible for income replacement.


so i go it alone… or more accurately i go it alone with my boyfriend’s consent and understanding and willingness to help.

six months we think, it can’t take more than that.

yeah.  cut to a year later, i’m still broken, he and i have split up due to the stress and i’m living in a tiny little apartment and trying to support myself through teacher training while cleaning houses.  (i can’t ever work a real desk job again unless i have freedom to get up and move around constantly… otherwise?  seized up sass.) [just in case you wonder why i didn’t try to get my cushy desk job back in the meantime, it involved being strapped to a phone without a wireless headset.]

cut to another year later, i’m finished teacher training but still cleaning houses (and then i became the super of my building as well but that’s another story entirely) and wondering where the work is.  turns out there’s a bit of a glut of baby pilates teachers in these here parts and there isn’t much.

i get a client here and a couple of group classes there but really not so much of anything and the little credit card that could ends up maxed out all to shit.

cut to now.  i’m working an average of twenty to twenty-five teaching hours a week (which is about a thirty-five/forty hour week in terms of time driving and calling and waiting and… or about fifty in terms of start and finish times on the days that i work) and am slowly approaching my maximum cut-off of thirty hours a week (though at that point i will cut the schedule some so i have some earlier evenings back.)

i’ve fixed most of the shit that’s wrong with my car after five years of poverty based neglect [crap i have to call mr. law and see him about those upper engine mounts…] and boy does it drive better.  like it did when i met it even.  i mean like wicked fun to corner with again!  not as fun as it could be though, i think i’ll get some tires next time i have a spare four hundred bucks. (like november cause i like to get new tires just before winter hits.)

i’ve bought clothing that isn’t from nineteen niney eight or for work or used!

and shoes! and cds!

i can eat out whenever i like!

and here’s the kicker.  the other day i *deep breath* paid off my credit card.

due to holy terror i promptly ran out and spent some money on clothing and a CD and then i went and dropped three hundred and sixty bucks at the vet (mouse’s kidneys are fine for those of you that were wondering and the vet is delighted with their healthfulness) and just now made an appointment with the mechanic.   i then, of course, promptly dumped a bunch more payment on the card…

but see?  i paid off my credit card.

i can’t decide if i want to dance with glee or hide my ass in a dark corner somewhere and never come out so the universe can’t kick me again!

i’m sort of walking around staring at the sky and wondering where the toilet seat is going to come from (sorry, if you’ve never seen dead like me suffice to say that the main character is a reaper and is rendered dead by a flying toilet seat from a crashing piece of a space station.  such a funny show… but i digress.)

i really am scared shitless, how ridiculous is that?

June 11, 2007


Filed under: anxiety,friendship,life,pets,pilates,responsibility,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:53 pm

so i’m trying a new keyboard that rolls up and fits in your pocket and here’s what i have so far: [don’t worry this turns into a post shortly]

okay, i have no idea where the backspace key is and now that i’ve found it i think it’s moronic. i have to twist my wrist to get there. the keys are a little slow or something, or i haven’t figured out how to hit them yet because i keep missing some of them.

anyway i think i have to figure out the wrist configuration or something. it seems i’ll have to learn to type with proper form again because these keys expect professional typist rather than lazy ircer which is what i’ve become. the backspace key man, it’s too much work.

i think this keyboard would be okay when you got used to it and that it’s too small for my large hands but that it might be nice for someone with a heavy laptop.

personally i think i prefer putting my laptop on a clipboard.

regardless it’s neat but the key stroke angles are funny.


it’s been a heavy week, and the kind of heavy i’m not ready to talk about. that said, some strange things are colouring everything that’s going on.

my cat mouse


mouse likes corn chips by the way, how weird is that?


my cat mouse is having bladder issues. for the second time in as many weeks (ten days ago to be precise) she was in the vet for what tested as nothing but presented as bladder infection.

they gave her fluids, got her peeing and said if she didn’t get better to get some antibiotics.

she got better.

cut to today

she peed THREE TIMES in fifteen minutes and the first one she looked up at me and did this pitiful little meow.

then she peed in the tub. er make that tried to pee.

so i have fluids at home and instructions for how to use them and if it happens again we’re talking kidney x-rays and expensive tests.  currently they’re calling it stress induced cystitis adn i accepted that but then i thought to myself… self?  since when is she stressed?


go fluids!

okay so the other colouration to my life is that shane moved to vancouver.


she goes and makes friends with me, turns out to be that convenient human you can randomly call who will actually go out for lunch with you on ten minutes notice and she’s all nice and stuff.

in other words she moved into my life like a whirlwind, got me dressing like a girl again and going out in public and then fucked off to vancouver…

i understand why and everything i just miss my brunch buddy.

so basically i’m worried about my cat and i miss my excellent new friend and then all this weird and crazy shit is happening around me.

don’t misunderstand, there’s also some really great stuff happening.

i made a deal on a cadillac with the help of my parents and the release of my birthday and christmas presents so though i won’t get presents later i’m getting a HUGE one now!

i’m going to try to pay at least half so i still get a christmas gift though, i like gifts… course i like cadillacs more *grin*

i’m really excited about this because my back is suffering from all the working on the floor that i’m doing and my clients have a hard time getting up and down off the ground so all in all this is a really fantastic change.

my living room will no longer be able to pretend that it’s a living room but what the heck, i’ll have a cadillac and then i’ll be able to do duets! [sessions with two people where they each get a machine]

this is, nonetheless, very heavy. i’ve had to ask my parents for cash every birthday since i started this job because august is SO tight in this business but this year seems to be doing a little better so we’ll see what happens right?


it’ll be fine right?


okay so heavy things are afoot but all of them are good. it’s more a case of someone offering to put their money where my mouth is so now i have to decide what i really want.


regarding the last post “left fields,” i’ve read every comment, taken a lot of them to heart and am doing some long hard thinking. i promise, when i get a little less muddled, to write a follow-up post that addresses many of the amazing points raised and adds my personal response to them.

that is, however; a post for another day because it’s going to have to percolate through my brain for a while before i can make anything coherent about it.


shut up, some of my posts are so coherent!


April 3, 2007

decisions decisions

Filed under: bittorrent,blogging,life,pilates,responsibility,seasonal — sassinak @ 2:52 pm



my name is sassinak and i’m a bit torrent a-holic.


yes, i know you’ve been wondering where i disappeared to if you’re one of the twelve people who still drops by here on occasion. not as many occasions as there once were and for that i apologise.

okay so yeah.

someone installed sound on my machine.  oh yeah, and then they said ‘that will probably play video too…’ and i said

‘yay i can get that episode of survivor i missed!’

what i didn’t say was

‘yay i can catch up on every show i was forced to drop due to timeslot wars in one day!’

heck, i’m downloading season two of supernatural right now.  i’m going to watch the last season of the oc this summer and i’m currently getting caught up on ER.

oh yeah, i’m a menace.  i’ve gone from zero to junkie faster than princess valium can hide the sims from me.  [don’t ask, me and the sims have some heroin problems] {relax, the sims is a video game}

so i check my blog and i see that i haven’t written a post in a year and i think ‘okay just one more episode of the wedding bells and then i’ll write a blog post’

yeah, i am here to tell you that that does not work.

so, my apologies, i’ll try to do better once i get caught up on a few things…


i have a dilemma and it’s a big one.

my friend shane is moving to vancouver *sob* and she is hoping to leave me a few of her clients.  at least one of these clients needs work that i don’t have the right machine for.

aka i have a reformer and she needs a cadillac.

i don’t really want a cadillac, it’s five grand and will take up my whole living room [okay i REALLY want one but i have reality] but i can get what’s called a wall unit and deal with almost everything this client would need that way.

this option is fifteen hundred canadian not including the specialised mat which renders the quote two grand.

now, i think i can swing that if i starve for another month or two but i can’t swing the mat bit.  the mat bit is okay because my dad can probably build me one for a hundred bucks.


easy right?  spend your cash [that you don’t have yet but it’s theoretically coming] and live at the creditors’ door for another millenium but get some new clients and equipment that you need instead of going back to paying rent at the studio.


buy the machine.

except… or but or wait or insert word that means you’re fucked here.

there is no air conditioning in this building.

i teach clients exercise and movement out of my home and it’s going to be a ‘scorcher’ according to the pundits.  now i don’t want to do pilates when it’s a million degrees out and neither does anyone else.

i don’t WANT any air conditioning but i need some and i may as well get a decent machine that will last a few years.  a new one that does the 800 BTUs that i apparently need is going to run me around six or eight hundred bucks. [yes i’ll shop used]


and may is going to be SUCH a lean month that paying my rent will be hard.  june should be okay but may?  may will kill me.

so you can’t say buy one now and the other later.  this is an either or.

i don’t get more money that will let me buy an a/c until mid june at the earliest and that’s a little late for buying machines that go up in price all summer.

so yeah, i don’t know what to do.

it’s *fun* being self-employed huh?


now, if you’ll excuse me, i have an episode of october road to watch…

February 14, 2007


Filed under: dating,life,moving,responsibility,seasonal — sassinak @ 2:09 pm


oh god

it’s vd day again.

and funnily enough i’m not angsty about the fact that it’s yet another hallmark holiday that i’m celebrating single. i’m really not. i do not in fact care.


ah yes there is nonetheless some angst.

i am now moving in EXACTLY two weeks and one day. alternately i’m moving in two weeks less two days but that’s very unlikely because the current tenant is letting them in to fix the place but not to give it to me. (it’s the renter’s sister, there was a death)

the landlord won’t give her money for those days so she won’t surrender the keys although she will let them in to work. as long as the place is fixed in time i don’t give a shit about a few days here and there.

except i do.

i can’t WAIT to move. just cannot.

of course i haven’t started packing yet, have you not MET me? [shut up, reading my blog for a year counts!] {besides, if i pack in a place this small i can’t live so i’m having a nice easy packing marathon the friday-monday before i move and then i’ll live out of a duffel until i go}(i’m such a liar, i’ll take a stab at it on the weekend and get a few things done and most of it will happen on tuesday evening and wednesday all day and last minute thursday morning.)

i’m so tired of this apartment and this building and the people fucking and peeing and shouting and smoking outside my window.

i’m tired of the people here and being cold all winter and having a kitchen floor that feels mounted on a block of ice.

i’m especially tired of how hard it is to find parking in the summer and the incredibly small nature of my apartment.

my apartment is so small that lsd said it felt like it was hugging him. (yes that’s a testament to my homemaking as well)

my LIVING ROOM in my new place?

yeah, bigger than my whole apartment is here. hell my new kitchen is bigger than my kitchen and my bathroom put together are now. [bedrooms are nearly identical but my closet is bigger now]

i have an entranceway!

i have windows and UTILITY CLOSETS and uncounted kitchen cupboards!

i have a parking spot and bicycle parking and more than two washer/dryer pairs.

i have elevators and great floors and HIGH CIELINGS!

but then i look at this little spot. this darling little one-bedroom with the fantastic floors and the most amazing natural light in the afternoons that it really does feel like it’s hugging you.

i admire the enormous bedroom closet and the tiny kitchen with all the storage space possible.

i see how there are somehow enough windows in here even though it’s a basement and i mourn.

i mourn because they’re tearing it apart and ripping out the wall and turning it into a bachelor with weird closets and i cannot fathom why they are doing it.

i am the last person who will ever live in and be cocooned by this wonderful space and that is a tragedy.

someone else was supposed to move in here. another broken human who needed a cocoon to rebuild themselves with. it wasn’t supposed to be just another overpriced room in toronto. it was supposed to be just another overpriced one bedroom dammit.

i’ve left a pleading message with the property manager to spend five minutes in here when my stuff is out of it and to really just get what a great little space it is.

i hope she does it.



she isn’t tearing out the wall, it’s a silly rumour someone started and she says they wouldn’t consider it because the space is great how it is.


February 2, 2007


Filed under: driving,life,responsibility,socioanthropology,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:54 pm

i’ve been thinking about something lately as i watch the decline of common courtesy on the roads. interestingly as people get less and less willing to let people into their lane the congestion gets worse and worse. wish they’d notice that.

i’ve given away my copy of heinlein’s friday again or i could properly reference this but regardless he was heard to write that the signs of a dying society are dirty public restrooms and lack of common courtesy. this was actually a bit of a recurring theme with him.

at first i thought that was silly. that was too easy a thing to predict a dying culture wasn’t it?

except no i don’t think it was. manners are a lot more than holding doors for a lady (i think that comes from fashion… try opening a heavy ironbound ironwood door in a hoop skirt and corset) and saying please and thank you.

they also include letting people in in traffic if they signal and act polite. tossing your rubbish in the bin instead of the street. turning down the music late at night simply because you know they’re trying to sleep.

i mean i could go on for an hour about all the things that ‘common courtesy’ entail but then i would start getting depressed at the decline of the society that i live within. i would start to think that it’s hopeless and that i’d better find a way to move to the moon and fast.

but then you know, we’re not all the way there yet.

some people are still polite and some people are still considerate. a few people even think about the consequences of their actions.

so few people consider the ramifications of the actions they perform. they think only of what they want or need at that particular second and never even remember to look into traffic before stepping into it.

a lovely gentleman i met recently told me that he thinks it’s because we’ve lost our slowness. that time spent sitting on the back porch and watching the tumbleweeds after dinner where you think about your day.

‘gee i hope i didn’t hurt jim’s feelings when i said that to him earlier’

“got to remember to check on that horse in the morning, her trot looked a bit off”

‘wonder why the wife isn’t singing while she does the washing up tonight’

“i sure enjoyed that chat with the pharmacist, perhaps i’ll visit there again”

‘dangit! forgot to clean mah gun!’

“sure is peaceful and quiet out here”

“i wonder how aunt lil is gettin’ on, best be writin’ her a letter”


whatever, just thoughts about life and the things that happened in it that day. the ramifications of the things. the taking notice of the bits that might have slipped by otherwise.

and he thinks that because all anyone does now is think about themselves and fill up their time with activity that we’ve lost the power of reflection.

and i think he’s right.

i think that’s exactly what’s going wrong in the world, all this rampant egotism and celebrity worship leads to several billion people who don’t give a fuck about anythign but themselves.

how can that be anything but heavily toxic and fatal to our planet?

we live in a culture in which greed is given greater respect than wisdom or joy. where time is rendered irrelevant and following a path or healing or spirituality or teaching is less important or worthy than one that involves raping the planet and making buckets of money.

and still it comes back to consequences. no one ever thinks ‘but if i jump into traffic here going 50km/h slower than anyone else and force that suv to slam on the brakes then the guy in the minivan that’s tailgating him but fighting with his wife will rear-end him and then…’ because that isn’t easy. that’s the hard way to think, the one that involves anticipation and thinking ahead.

the one that involves sparing a small percentage of your thoughts to considering the effects of your behaviour on others. try it sometime… wait instead of cutting someone off. say thank you or please instead of NOW!

pay it forward, treat others as you would be treated. smile and use common courtesy. heck make common courtesy COMMON again!

that is all


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