snapshots of an idle mind

September 12, 2008



so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.


look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?


weirder even than being single again?



look harriet!




mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

my ball!


there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ‘sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.


i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.


in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!


doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?


happy weekend!


October 22, 2007


Filed under: dating,friendship,life,men,outside,pics,singlehood — sassinak @ 12:46 am


it’s funny you know. it’s been a really long time since i dated anyone with any level of seriousness. since i *liked* the person i was dating.


anyway, tr and i split up four years ago now, four years and a lifetime ago in fact. i’m so different from that girl that i find her hard to recognize. so fragile and broken and hating the fat coating her slowly returning body.

fragile in her soul more than anything and in desperate need of the healing that would come with three years of celibacy and a tiny basement apartment. an apartment so small that it fits in my current living room.

an apartment that was, in many ways, a cocoon.

a place to rebuild and create anew and rediscover and learn about my self while i built a career and a life that would sustain me through wherever the next part of my journey would take me.

several times in that period i bemoaned my lack of interesting dating potential and the years without sex but you know? in retrospect i needed every single one of those days.

i needed to find my self.

and i did.

and then i moved here. i moved to this beautiful light filled space in the middle of a ravine that my clients and my cats and my soul all love and my life started to take off.

my business took itself to the next level in large part because it had a place to grow and be nurtured and now it’s sitting and gestating and getting itself ready for the next step.

that one is a doozy let me tell you. opening a studio makes me blanch with fear a little but i can see that it’s coming.

the people in my life that didn’t like me or were filled with negativity have all taken themselves away in rather spectacular fashion. most of them felt the need to attack me on the way out the door but i’ve had to realize that those attacks were not necessarily about me at all… but more about their own disappointments and lacks.

somehow i became the representation of all things bad in some people’s existences and well, i guess i can’t be sad that they’re gone.

it’s funny though, because in all cases i am sad and i do miss them. it’s weird to miss people that hate you but there it is. it’s interesting to me that every one of those people picked public forums to hit me with… i don’t understand how those sorts of things don’t happen in person.

but then, i wouldn’t.

furthermore i made some decisions.

i decided that it was time to stop complaining about my dateless status and go out there and do something about it. i was going to go on those great sounding adventures at meet market adventures and try speed dating and email at least one man on okcupid per week.

i was going to do it up good.

and in the meantime i emailed a man (on okcupid) about a cat. specifically the kittens a friend of mine is trying to find a home for (cute black ones, any takers?) that his profile suggested he was in search of as a companion to his current cat.

and he asked me out for brunch, and scrabble… which we played to a tie.

seriously, who plays scrabble to a tie?

and yeah…

that was a little over a month ago and we’ve sort of been dating like constantly since then… and i like him.

and so do my friends and the members of my family that have met him. and his friends and family? like me.

it’s kind of strange.

anyway it’s a really odd adjustment for me. i know that people who haven’t had dates in a while will both make fun of me and sympathize with this but seriously, it’s really weird.

there is a man in my life that i like. that likes me. that my cats like, whose cat likes me.

there is a man in my life that has favourite expressions of mine, whose sense of humour i am learning to predict, who can call my behaviour in certain situations and that my friends want to hang out with.

a man who can make shoe shopping fun.

yes really.

a man that i tend to speak with before i sleep and who is slowly fitting himself into my life in this seamless sort of way and it’s WEIRD!

i am NOT complaining okay?

in fact i really really really like it (and him) but it’s been a very long time since i had to fit my life into someone else’s at all. since there was someone i called just because i wanted to hear their voice.

that there was someone i missed.

it’s disconcerting and yet wonderful all at once.

okay nat here you go:


no, i have no idea why i’m making that face…


in the kitchen at his family cottage. my sister came up for brunch with us… god that was awesome. otherwise i wouldn’t have seen her until christmas!

and just one of the scenery:


August 21, 2007

washing off

Filed under: bliss,dancing,dating,festivals,life,men,singlehood,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:14 pm


there is something about the shower at the end of a folk festival that is particularly fantastic. it’s almost like the festival enfolds you in different layers and you get to relive a weekend’s worth of experience in twenty minutes. thirty if you’re feeling decadent.

there is, of course, the moment you step into the shower and admire the rather gross black gunk that streams off your feet at the first touch of anything not covered in dust. okay this particular kind of dust is unique to owen sound… please consider this the summerfolk shower rather than the hillside one. *hee*

okay so the steam hits your hair and campfire smoke rises off it and you slowly step into the water and just feel the dust and the campfire coming off you in waves. the water is running black and you start to feel clean for the first time in three or four days and you hear music in your head. beautiful music that is always the medley of the best things you heard and this medley always accompanies a mental melange of the very nicest parts of the weekend in some surreal and perfectly edited video.

somehow this ritual shower is the time your brain puts the festival away into it’s various drawers. some drawers are opened often and some just once and some go into your regular memory and stay there as long as they can.

i had a particularly excellent festival last weekend that goes into that little space in my life where the truly priceless experiences go(i went onstage for the finale!) finally i know enough people that it’s actually fun to just bounce around to all my festival friends [defined as people you see annually for a weekend but are delighted to see EVERY time] and i met some really beautiful people to add to that already wonderful collection. (dudes have NO idea how many tries it took me to do the ful in wonderful. finally went climbing again after an injury break month off and the fingers no worky.)

but more than that i got… i got something i needed even more. something that will stay long after the campfire smell is really out of my hair (it isn’t) and the music is only on cds again. oh man if i could have a recording of that version of who do you love those crazy assholes did on sunday afternoon in the battle of the mixed up bands? i’d listen to it a LOT.

something that will save me a little bit.

i met a man this weekend. not the kind i can take home and introduce to my parents… er that’s not right because he’s totally that kind but not for me (sob!) since he’s already met his in-laws and i’m not related to them. so, i met this married guy who somehow gave me something i didn’t know i needed until i heard it. and i didn’t hear it until at least ten minutes after he said it.

i don’t know if i’ve told you guys about festival buddies. these are people that are rarely the same twice and are never who you expect to hang with on your way TO the festival. these are people that make your life better and share conversation and best friendship with you for the few days you know them.

some of them hit you harder than others.

nearly always they change you in a small but meaningful way and nearly always there are regretful hugs and repeated good byes and promises to hang out again. in this particular case i believe we would be festival buddies at any festival we were at AND that i will like his wife as much as he.

this one gave me a humdinger.

being thirty six and single i’ve had a lot of people presume to tell me what i’m doing wrong and right and what i should and shouldn’t do if i actually want to have a family. i’ve been told to change my personality and to lower my standards (which is ridiculous since NOBODY ASKS ME OUT!) and not to be so open and to basically make myself less. i’m intimidatingly self-sufficient says the FIREMAN! (i know it’s fire fighter but he’s a guy) i’m too challenging and difficult and and and and and!

and i keep saying ‘but wait… what the fuck?’ isn’t being yourself and loving yourself and being the best you you can be the most important thing you can do if you want to make a functional relationship? don’t you have to be happy and fulfilled within yourself so you can get out of your own way?

why am i supposed to make myself less while everyone else goes out there and finds their ‘best self?’

and this man? this beautiful, off the market, smart as anything, funny, considerate (i know, i don’t believe it either) man that i spent the weekend being best friends with? this guy i would cheerfully introduce to my parents and expect them to love? this person who gets me the way you need to get me if you want to make a go of it with me? this guy who laughs at the things i say that shock most other folks?

do you know what he says in the five seconds before he hugs me good bye?

he says “stay just the way you are especially the sarcasm, don’t change anything”

how did he even know i needed him to say that?

where did he come from that he knew i needed to hear that because it was starting to get really hard to have any faith? i can’t decide if the universe was being cruel or kind this time, i don’t meet many men that get me and lately all of them are previously claimed so it’s always a little sad to meet another one that’s just the same but at the same time?

it had to be a guy at that level saying that or i wouldn’t have HEARD it.

it had to be someone i wanted or i wouldn’t have listened. it had to be someone *i* get that way who finds me just as delicious or i wouldn’t have let it be said. it had to be just that combination of perfectly impossible.

how did he know how badly i needed to hear that to help myself wash off all the bullshit?


oh and john? you want to check out nathan rogers and dala and chucky danger from this weekend and that 1 guy and mother mother from hillside

May 30, 2007

left fields

Filed under: family,life,singlehood — sassinak @ 11:44 pm


so yeah.

a bunch of things have happened around me again and as usual i’m reeling for no real reason.

(okay one of my clients is quitting which sucks. and it’s right at the beginning of summer which is my slow time which sucks more. plus i’m the maid of honour in my sister’s wedding which will be SOOO awesome but expensive and i have to pay my instructor liability insurance annually and it’s due and three people went on vacation and…)

someone is falling in love

someone has disappointed me enormously

someone is pregnant

someone is getting married

someone is getting their nose touched up

someone is moving across the country

someone is making me wait an hour for dinner and it’s after ten at night

someone is splitting up

someone is feeling better

someone is heartbroken

someone has a new baby and is a glowing mom

and so on…

and today when i went for lunch with an old friend and i hung out with her and her son and she talked about the time, before she had a baby, when she thought she couldn’t. when she had been visiting with a family and it was so hard to be there because it was something she didn’t think she would have.

and then she did.

she was also the first person ever not to tell me i had lots of time when i expressed regret at my childless state and at the fact that it was likely that it would stay that way. so i thanked her of course.

i mean she’s the first person who hasn’t tried to placate me by saying “don’t worry dear, you have lots of time” and i SO appreciated that.

i mean so much.

you can’t imagine how much…

anyway she nodded and smiled that sad smile and said okay. she said she knew exactly what i meant and that at thirty you had to get a move on. it was time to get the motor on and get going. it’s just that i don’t seem to have a motor to get on.

oh man that was such a bad sexual innuendo that i’m leaving it in there.

and all around me i see people and clients in various stages of barely pregnant to full on parenting mode and it’s starting to get really hard [which is probably why the pregnant ones thank me for ‘honoring their condition.’ *wry smile*] i find that suddenly i am starting to sympathise with single women who abandon their friends once those friends start breeding and having husbands.

or those friends abandon us.

it’s just so hard to see something so fundamental pass you by and not even really have a choice about it. you think you have all this time and then *poof* like magic it’s gone.

and i found myself, today, hit by a stab of such profound mourning that i was astonished.

there’s no way i could do this alone, there’s no unemployment insurance or maternity leave for me, i’m self employed after all. right now i have less than a hundred dollars in the bank, ask me how i can pay for a kid.

i nearly beat on the lady who said ‘there’s always a way’ and i’m looking at her and her family and her husband and thinking ‘yes, yes there is… but it’s harder when you’re alone and self-employed.’

my sister says that people don’t know what to say so they try to be comforting.

i think that’s like allowing your friends to maintain their fantasy lives rather than telling them the truth. it’s easy but it doesn’t make it the right thing to do.

stab of mourning.

i couldn’t believe it. i met my own eyes in the mirror and i couldn’t bear the grief in them.

i just never knew that it was going to hurt this much. i keep thinking that i’ve let it go, that i’ve moved on, that i’ve passed my grief to the universe and then *wham*

fucking left fields.

May 8, 2007

sass dot ™

Filed under: blogging,dating,facebook,food,hockey,life,men,pilates,random,singlehood,tv — sassinak @ 10:58 pm


my clients crack me up you know?

they actually say things like “please don’t be mad” or “don’t kill me” when they’re cencelling appointments… and i’m NEVER mad.

i think they’re actually asking their bodies for forgiveness because they know that pilates is so good for them and they feel guilty for not doing it.


i have been cleared to climb as my ankle wishes.

freaking physiotherapist, how does she know that i’ll be MORE restrained and not less if i’m left to my own devices?


i’ve been asked on a date but i can’t decide if i care to go…


speaking of dates, what’s up with these guys who chase you and then don’t want you?

i mean, true story here, i joined facebook a while back (sooo addictive) and this guy i used to work with sends me a friend request and then when i accept he asks me for beer to catch up. [not the same as the man asking me on a date by the way]

i say sure and after we dicker over dates he suggests a rather date-y place and i’m kinda surprised but go along and then a couple of days before he emails me and tells me that some family shit came up and can we do it next weekend. i answer with sure, here are my dates.

(this was thursday and we were supposed to meet on friday) so he emails me TODAY to say ‘oh sorry i’m away this weekend how’s next weekend if you’re still up for it?’

and you know what? i’m not.

if you can’t be fucked to check your schedule before you say things like ‘next week’ or say ‘except for the weekend i’m away’ and then you can’t be fucked to email me for FIVE days even though you were almost certainly at work all day thursday since that’s where you were at the time you blew me off in the first place?

i mean why the fuck bother?

i didn’t friend him, i didn’t email him, i didn’t ask him for beer, i didn’t get datelike about beer i just said ‘sure’ and discussed my availability.

you knew a week ago if you actually wanted to come out with me so why waste my time?


i’m aware that he never uttered the word date but i had shane vet the emails and she said it sure sounded datelike to her…

it was at least an evening with potential.


fortunately i immediately called my this week’s plans and said ‘hey my shit fell through’ and went out for a great dinner and chat that i think was actually better than that beer would have been.


i just watched the penultimate episode of gilmore girls and i’m totally despondent sort of.

it’s not the first show that i’ve watched from the first to the last episode (buffy [okay fine i started at episode four and caught the first three in reruns that summer], angel, one tree hill but i’m still about three episodes behind, many short lived series on fox, house so far although they almost lost me at the beginning of this season, bones but i did it on dvd and download and battlestar galactica was done the same way and um… that may be it not including things that are new this year.)

i know for sure that it won’t be the last show i do that with.

it’s just. it’s gilmore girls. it was smart and funny and even the worst episode was better than anything else on tv, moreso after buffy was gone, and i loved them. i love those girls.

hell, i cried a little when rory graduated too.

somehow, in a way that wasn’t true of other television, those women were my friends.

i’ll miss them… i hope the finale is worthy.


shane is moving to vancouver in less than a month.

i’m a going to miss her a lot.


how weird is it that first and second are playing in the west and first and third in the east? [hockey, conference finals, precursor to stanly cup games]

i’ve never seen the top seeds do so well, it’s always like eighth playing third or something not this.

yes, i know ottawa is fourth but the team that was third won their group not the points race.


what? i’m allowed to disagree with the nhl if i want to.

this automatic first through third seeding for the division leaders is lame and i know i’m not the only one who hates it because even sundin complained about it.


bye lorelei, i’ll miss you so.


my parents will be here in a month!


mmm cheese on toast!


lividviv will you be mad if i throw myself a birthday party the week after your wedding?

… hrm how to pay for it after a wedding

… note to self, rethink plan.


why is it that any post, no matter how meticulously checked, will have to be edited again after it’s posted?


night, i have to teach way too early.

April 18, 2007

talk talk

Filed under: dating,life,random,singlehood,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 11:19 pm


it’s funny what happens after you live alone and partnerless (there are not the same thing but are often related) for a long time.

for one thing you start to talk to yourself.

i wander around my enormous apartment (that needs more closets or shelving somewhere but i’m waiting for my dad’s input before i do anything. there’s no rush, i’ll be here for a while) and look for things that are SO MUCH easier to find than they were where i used to be.

it’s amazing, i have such a better idea where stuff is now that i have somewhere to put most of it.

not all, i need to purge.

so, sample search for something

“hrm where did i put that thing anyway…”

*wanders into living room and flicks on the light*

‘fuck that’s bright’

*looks around and doesn’t spot datebook*

“oh it’s in the bedroom after all”

*shaking head*

*wanders back toward bedroom and flicks off light on way [see dad, i did eventually learn to turn off the lights i wasn’t using, amazing but true]*

‘no wonder i can’t date, who wants to date anyone who says everything they think out loud no matter how inane?’

everything in ” or ‘ was said out loud of course.


but i laugh to myself because i start to understand my old roomie who dated her man for ten years before they even moved in together. they ran off and got married recently and it tickles me pink.

the thing is that these two had been living their own way for a very long time before they ran off and got hitched, they were set in their ways with a good dose of curmudgeon on either side. i should know, i’ve got a good dose myself.

i think that they needed that decade to get to marriage because of some amazingly weird and tragic circumstances and because they were both very set in their ways. not so much set. hrm.


when you live alone you get to have everything your own way.

slowly but surely you fill each corner of your space with your own things… heck i have a friend with a collection of gorgeous yet creepy lifelike dolls stashed in her closet and another one who has to have a perfectly gleaming home at all times and one who has no furniture because she hates to shop and…

do you see what i’m saying?

the longer you live by yourself at your own whim the odder you get and the more unnoticed little habits start to appear. heck i’ve watched season two of bones episodes one through thirteen since this weekend and i’m likely to watch fourteen and maybe fifteen before bed (and start downloading the rest… god this show is GOOD) and you just can’t really do that kind of thing when you’re sharing your life with someone.

but see because i’m not i have more and more hobbies that don’t require a partner. add ever growing confidence regarding my own self sufficiency and physical well being unmatched since my teen years blended with a (bless you parents) willingness to do anything i like by myself and it gets hard to match up with someone.


ETA: incidentally i did watch those two episodes before bed.  i watched them and i ate peanuts from the shell and made a giant mess all over the bed while watching television loudly at two something in the am.


so, it’s not that my old roomie was set in her ways exactly, it’s just that she had a lot of ways and it required easing into this lovely marriage of hers.


god they’re so cute together.


it’s kind of fun to watch yourself go odd you know. it’s an experience everyone should have.

Blog at