snapshots of an idle mind

January 21, 2009

sweet sadness

Filed under: anxiety,bitter pills,bliss,cars,driving,engines,grief,life,random,surreal — sassinak @ 3:17 pm

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well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?

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there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.

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so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.

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oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck

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in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???

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only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?

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oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.

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and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….

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anyone wanna buy a really good engine?

March 16, 2008

this is me feeding my cats

Filed under: bitter pills,bliss,blogging,hockey,life,men,pics,random,surreal,Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:48 am

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see that? how i went to the closet and got cat food and gave it to my cats? and see how they stopped yowling for food?

no?

well all right then.

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so the leafs have had another disappointing season. there are in fact nine games left so they have a decent chance of catching up from tweflth where they are currently sitting to ninth or so.

it’s weird how they’ve had terrible luck and the worst calls and are definitely not going to make the playoffs *again* and yet i’m still madly in love with them. i mean there are a few mitigating circumstances but geeze it’s not like they’re very good either.

by all rights i should be over this team. i should have stopped having a crush on mats sundin and i should definitely not be thinking that they’re playing better than their position in the scoring charts would indicate.

and yet… and yet i realize that i’m not really telling the truth. although they are better than where they are sitting in the standings? they still aren’t *good.*

i can tell the difference. i’ve seen what montreal has done with their young players and the magic word. what magic word? why teamwork of course.

that thing where they practice passing the puck again and again before they actually shoot. the thing where they play together.

god it’s pretty to watch.

please don’t tell anyone that i’m enjoying watching the habs play hockey okay? i mean i’m supposed to hate them they’re like hockey evil or something since i’m a leafs fan. and i am a leafs fan i am…

but i sure am glad my other conference team (calgary!) is playing better…

mmm iginla and kiprusoff… here comes the cup playoffs…

[don’t tell anyone but i think montreal is a major contendor this year]

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i just went to play a game of dress-up clue where i turned out to be the villain!

check out my awesome card:

clueme1.jpg

anyway it was a surprisingly good time and i confess that i was extra delighted to be the murderer!

plus?

i got called beautiful!

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i know it’s silly to love the nice things people say about me but well… go me! compliments like that really do make a body feel good.

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nayrb got a haircut and he looks all extra cute… pretty nice if you’re me also.

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incidentally?  nayrb fed the cats… thanks nayrb!

it’s interesting how little i have to complain about these days. most of the things in my life that had been causing me to complain (or blog)have been fixed.

i can actually afford shoes and i don’t hurt much anymore and i have a nice apartment and my business is finally doing better and then?  after all that falls into place?

i meet a nice man.

seems so impossible really to be living an angst free life.  impossible but fucking awesome!

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nayrb and i went to a crocodile farm in cuba and here we are molesting a child:

babycroc1.jpg

night kids!

February 26, 2008

swirls

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it’s all swirly in my head right now:

part of me wants to talk about my friend adam eating’s dog getting killed last week and how sad i am about that

part of me wants to talk about running off to cuba on my first vacation in five years with nayrb

chunks of me are most fascinated that i came back from cuba and like my boyfriend more… which like, really, i didn’t think was possible

some of me wants to wonder why some people can’t just let me go even though they chased me out the door

bits are wondering about posting a couple of cuba pictures… here’s one that nayrb took of me at a crocodile farm we visited, a lovely cuban man handed me this bird…:

parrot.jpg

whole divisions wish to crow about my facility in cuba because i speak italian a little.  one lady even asked me if i spoke spanish!  go me!  not to mention?  i learned some spanish!

some of me is pretty excited about being back in my life.  in fact i got a little bored toward the end there… but that’s as it should be

parts of me wonder how it’s possible that fidel castro stepped down when *i* was in cuba!  like what are the odds?

the eastern division has me thinking about my beloved leafs and their captain.  it’s interesting that he chose to stay but i think ultimately the right thing.  i mean really, was it worth it to the leafs to lose him?  not for me.  of course i know i have a crush on him but i’m also realistic and this is a guy with a lot to teach the kids that are coming

my heart wants to talk to my parents and my sister but they’re always in bed when i have free time…

nayrb went in the ocean for his first time ever… i’m glad i was there:

oceannayrb.jpg

my heart is very heavy for my friend lsd

my skin feels particularly happy and glowing at the moment.  i turned all italian while i was away and i love it. i wish i had a tan all year long…

yeah, so as you can see, i’m feeling a little discombobulated.  kind of can’t figure out which way is up and at the same time feeling a little disconnected from it all.

ah well, i’ll try to enjoy it while it lasts

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i am now addicted to vacations.  i’ve already chosen my next four weeks off… one of them is the week i just passed… but next year  :)

February 6, 2008

relief

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i am looking at a cleaner desk.

i am looking at a cleaner desk that is symbolic of something so much better.

you see i hired my friend to come over and sort through all my papers. she will take all those myriad statements and bills and receipts and turn them in to some kind of useful filing system.

after that? she will enter all of this data into a spreadsheet and then? and then we will hire a bookkeeper who will do my taxes for the last five years.

yeah shut up, i am aware that i should have done them more recently. that said, i pretty much always do them every five years so this is nothing new. in fact i think the government will faint when i start to file annually.

so there are a few interesting thoughts hiding in the above, not the least of which is that i have finally accepted that *i* will NEVER get this crap done. i have been trying to make myself do this stuff for two years!

two years!

do you want to know when even some of it happened? yeah, last time i got this friend to come over and help me.

*sigh* i suck at this stuff. i can hardly call clients back and answer email let alone get my filing and paperwork done; so here’s the thing, i have accepted that i will not do this and chosen to spend some money so that it happens anyway.

i think this is akin to admitting that i cannot keep my house clean enough to run a business in and hiring a maid. i think it’s delegating of the highest order. this is extra funny because i’m always telling my boyfriend that he needs to learn to delegate.

but well, it’s a lot easier to see what other people need than what you do.

the other interesting thing hiding in the above is that i hired someone.

i have in fact hired another human being simply to make my life go better.  not only have i hired them but i’ve committed to paying them.  you know what this means?  this means that i actually BELIEVE my business is doing well enough to commit a couple of hundred dollars a month to making it run better.

yeah i’m kind of stunned to find myself in that position too but there it is.   i actually believe in my business enough to ask someone else to believe in it enough to work for me in expectation of money.  i mean she can make financial decisions because of me!

that’s so strange it is.

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in other news, nayrb and i have finally booked our vacation.

i know!  i’m going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!!!

no work for a WEEK!

that mythical vacation i’ve been talking about for four years?  finally here!

*snoopydance of glee*

here’s the beach:

cccsena_04.jpg

and because i know you guys love this shit, here is the link to the resort.

the best part?

it’s in cuba which is one of the few places i had really despaired of visiting in time.  by this i mean that when fidel dies something is going to get different in cuba and i really wanted to see it the way it is now rather than the way it will be.  not that it isn’t possible that what’s coming will be better but still, it’s worth seeing now.

i don’t think we’ll be near enough to see havana, but there is apparently a quaint little town nearby that should satisfy our urge to see some real cuba… but let’s be honest, i just want to sleep and eat and drink and swim in the ocean and hang out with my boyfriend…

ahhh bliss.

December 31, 2007

there goes another one

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it’s that time of year again, the time when we eat too much and celebrate our loved ones and our lives or in some cases despair about our lives but no matter who you are you’re thinking right now.

you may be thinking solely about the shenanigans you will be getting up to this evening or perhaps about avoiding the fuss and hiding at home but if nothing else you’re considering your options.

you may, as i am, be thinking about who you will be kissing when the clocks of the city strike midnight or even who you won’t be kissing.

perhaps you are pondering your resolutions. one woman i know takes her resolutions very seriously indeed. last year she resolved to travel and see the world and she went to europe and africa. this is some resolving i can get behind let me tell you.

personally i am usually wont to resolve to do something with no guilt attached. i have oft been heard drunkenly declaiming ‘i resolve to have more fun’ and every year i try to do it. i think this year i will go for something with a little required effort.

perhaps i will resolve to work slightly less or to take a few more full weekends off. i know that i intend to take two weeks off this year which is something i have not done since i started to teach.

in fact i’m planning an actual vacation in february, i’ve even arranged half my substitute teachers already. gawd, an actual vacation, what a trip. it seems funny to have to resolve to do this but it seems i’ve turned into a bit of a workaholic in the last few years.

guess that’s what happens when your small business finally starts to be able to feed you. now i have to learn to say no to my clients, i have far too many days that are twelve or fourteen hours long and that has to stop. in fact i will no longer add new clients before 7:30am or after 7pm but trust me, that’s still more hours in a day than i should be working.

i’m hoping to slowly restrict those hours to 7:30am and 6:30pm but it’s hard. people work and they want me to work when they aren’t working and that leaves me with a brutal schedule.

i’m also thinking of getting a little more picky about who i accept as a client. up until now i’ve been a little bit desperate and i’ve had to take on anyone regardless. i’ve willingly encouraged people to go elsewhere if i didn’t feel that they suited me but always with a bit of a pang. now? now i think i will simply say ‘i’m sorry, i have a waiting list’ or whatever to people who rub me the wrong way when they call.

i want to play with my cats more rather than trusting them to exercise each other and in that light i want to spend more time at my boyfriend’s house because his poor cat is lonely.

i want to save money toward buying a place and create a financial cushion for myself that’s a little more secure than simply keeping a thousand dollars in my savings account… but that’s a start.

most of all? i want to have more patience and be less frustrated and be more open. miss clara hughes said that to the cbc one day and it’s some of the best advice ever. she also said to ‘be better’ to not be simply satisfied with being good but to be better every day. that too is some attitude i can get behind and something i feel like i need.

i still feel myself being more angry that i need to be on occasion and the rage engendered by driving the streets of toronto refuses to fade no matter how gently i approach it. i’m sure there are untapped reservoirs of anger inside myself that i have yet to find but i intend to plumb the depths this year.

life is about self-discovery after all.

i think i resolve to think about clara when i’m at my most angry…

be less frustrated

have more patience

be more open

… don’t just be good, be better

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happy new year to you and yours.

December 18, 2007

lucky

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i am the luckiest girl in the world.

no really i am.

not only do i have a lovely new boyfriend and much loved family and friends that love me but i have a job that i utterly treasure. i have the kind of job where i wake up cranky because my alarm went off and within five minutes of starting work i’m smiling and by the end of the day i’m fully excited about every second of it.

sure i’m happy when the day is over, who isn’t? even donald trump is likely glad when he finishes his day and that man loves to work a ridiculous amount. i’m also happy when i have days off or an unexpected free evening.

heck, the idea of seven days off in a row is enough to make me soak my chair, but that’s not the point. the point is that i have a job that charges me, excites me, challenges me and rewards me just in the doing of it.

along the way i’ve started to make at least a decent living and all signs point to that living firmly falling into the nice category by next year sometime. i mean i’ve almost paid off my credit card even!

i might even be able to buy a chair!

you know, what everyone does when they run out of debt, incur more!

anyway, my life is rocking along and years of really hard work are coming to fruition. i’m planning a vacation in february and to attend some conferences next year and i’m not worrying about how to pay for them.

they told me it would take five years and i’ve finished three or four depending on how you count so i’m even ahead of the game. maybe soon i can put serious money aside and buy a place.

this is already a great place to be right?

and then along comes christmas. along comes christmas and i get nine days off out of eleven or a five day weekend followed two days later by a four day weekend and then a three day week to boot.

i get a new client who buys a ten pack on his first day… and he’s awesome and it’s going to be so fun with him.

three of my clients in the same week come due for packs of ten classes and suddenly i practically have my rent for february paid… and i’m finished my christmas shopping already except for my annual splurge at the liquor store for hostess gift wine and prosecco and hosting libations.

and then?

i know, i’m already feeling incredibly blessed when my aunt hands me down her two year old computer… with a flat screen monitor to boot… [my desktop blew up in november]

yeah and then?

my clients, who i love and who keep me in brunches at maggie’s and finally new clothes? (did i mention i finally got those shoes?)

those clients? the ones who write me cheques and invite me to christmas parties at a chocolate factory?

they start handing me christmas presents.

i know… it makes me want to cry i’m so touched…

my tuesday night class as a group got me a gift… i mean wow.

i’m so moved.

i carried in three presents from two hours of work today… i mean… wow.

like wow.

i just feel really lucky right now and i thought you all should know.

also? yes the chocolate is as good as it looks, i recommend the fleur de sel caramels, the brownies and the gingerbread caramel squares thingies….

peace and love and luck like my current streak go out to all of you, even the ones who have never commented but read this… all of you, even the people who think i’m evil… all of you.

may the season bring joy and laughter and a few tears… but the good kind and kisses and hugs and chocolate and sweet nothings and food you love and small indulgences…

happy solstice and christmas and eid and chanukah.. at least one of which i spelled wrong…

thanks universe.

November 28, 2007

may you live in…

Filed under: bliss,dating,exercise,hockey,life,men,pilates,responsibility,surreal,work — sassinak @ 8:23 pm

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life is funny, last week i worked fifteen hours and this week i’m working 26 and next week too. (i need to work 20 specifically teaching which does not include travel and down time between clients… my scheduled work week is from 3 on monday to 2 on saturday and i work most evenings and every morning early.)

it was great, i got wednesday evening and friday afternoon/evening off!

anyway i’m hoping to get to a state where i work 25 hours a week and don’t have to work late into the evening on the same morning as i start at 6:30am.

more than that i’m hoping to take a vacation in february. first one since i went to new york with my sister just before tr and i split up. wow.

an actual vacation.

what the heck are the odds?

interestingly my friend the rolfer told me it would take five years to get to the point where i had a waiting list, and i’m at three and a half years since i finished my certification and four since i taught my first lesson (hi othercat!)

she was right too because i’m just about at that waiting list point but not quite because i’m still trying too much to find some savings. i think i might need to spend less on my education if i want to do that but that’s hard to countenance.

that said, 20 hours a week is a nice life and a consistent 25 is savings… go schedule!

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i’m now wandering toward the three month mark with nayrb which is an interesting time as well. it’s that point where you start to really look at the person you’re dating and see them more clearly.

you notice the little behaviours which are equally endearing and annoying depending entirely on your mood at the time. you see the edges and the funny habits and the attitudes you may or may not like.

you see where communication is full and where it breaks down and, if you’re me, you start to think. you notice what it’s like when you’re quiet together and when you’re both cranky and you wonder how that will work when you know each other better.

but most fun of all you start to believe just a little.

you start to think that maybe this might be someone that you could have around for a while. in fact you begin to grow accustomed to their presence in your life and their voice in your ear before you sleep at night.

you learn the sound of breath and the cadence of speech and the little private jokes and you start to feel that you are actually connecting deeply to another human being.

and it’s fun.

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oh god the leafs are so bad.

i love the leafs i really do but i might pretend that this year is a hockey strike.

the boys aren’t playing and i just wish that someone would light a fire under their asses.

someone? anyone?

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my lovely client B has decided to watch this year for the soap opera surrounding the leafs rather than for the team itself.

this strikes me as a great plan.

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lately?

i really really really love my job.

it’s the best job ever.

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hillside inside!

one day only on february second the magic of hillside comes to the sleeman centre in guelph…

AND???? xavier rudd is playing!!!

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if you’ll excuse me, i have to go meet a beautiful man for dinner…

October 31, 2007

off to see the wizard

Filed under: bliss,dating,life,men,pilates,socioanthropology,surreal,Uncategorized,work — sassinak @ 10:19 pm

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oh my god i’m going to orlando in the morning!

at 4:07 in the morning to be specific.

yes indeedy, at four oh seven in the eh em i will be standing at a bus stop wiping the sleep from my eyes and staring in wonder at the beautiful man choosing to take the bus to the airport with me.

personally, i think he’s nuts; airports suck.

then, as always, i will have to wander through the check-in and the ‘security check’ and then go and sit for two hours and wait for my plane. i will not, of course, sleep while i wait for fear of missing the plane.

there is something so time warplike about traveling by air. i always wonder if i will land on the same planet that i left or if i will appear magically in an alternate version of this universe or time.

there is, nonetheless, a ritual all tied up with flying. i have routines…

i get to the airport to the minute or earlier of the many extra hours suggested to me and stare in stunned stupefaction around the cavernous not-so-welcoming space until i find the hidden counter that allows me to check-in. the airline is irrelevant, this is always difficult.

eventually, i will find it and stand around semi-patiently while looking half asleep. at some point i’ll get to check in and realize that i’ve forgotten something. i can never figure out what in advance but as long as it isn’t my passport or wallet i don’t give a shit.

then, of course, there is the dubious pleasure of american security. yeah. they stare into my bag and i start to wonder if i’m secretly a terrorist. i mean do i really need a stainless steel water bottle to survive four days of talking to and learning from my fellow pilates instructors? can’t i survive with the available water and those piddly assed glasses they’ll provide?

nope.

and how about those lip glosses you’re checking? do you really need THREE of them?

seriously how do they make me, the most innocent of travelers, feel so much like i’m doing something wrong?

now, if it WEREN’T five am i would then enter the hallowed secured areas of the airport and wander off to the nearest bookstore, there to dissolve my sorrows in aimless wandering through the shelves. i have a deal, i can buy any book i want at the airport to a maximum of three per travel day, preferably no more than two.

i mean i have to get SOMEthing out of all the torture right?

after books i would head for some sort of food, but again, that will be closed and will have to wait until i land in memphis there to enjoy an hour layover. a lovely hour filled with OPEN bookstores and food. yeah baby.

i love airport book shopping, it’s really inexplicable.

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to the young man who asked me where to find women like me.

who raved about how i was his dream woman (only far too old) and couldn’t exist.

to the older gentleman who doesn’t believe that women like me are real.

to all of you wondering where to find a lady who likes cars and hockey and video games and doesn’t care what she looks like when she’s camping?

try looking beside you.

she’s the girl who is happy to hang out with six guys and doesn’t check her mascara.

she’s the girl you ask for advice about the girls who can’t be arsed to talk to you.

just so you know.

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oh my god i’m going somewhere warm for four nights and most of five days!

i get to meet nat!

there will be SWIMMING!

and communing with my fellow instructors!

and cool shit to learn!

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but right now?

there’s a shower and three hours of sleep…

see ya monday kids.

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you know, assuming i don’t land in an alternate universe…

August 15, 2007

3x3x4

Filed under: dancing,food,life,party,pilates,pms,random,surreal,surreality,surrealness — sassinak @ 11:00 am

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hello, my name is sassinak and i’m older now.  one year closer to that whole biological clock time bomb of bullshitness and one year further away from that whole crippling self esteem time bomb of bullshitness that was school.

funnily enough i’m in a fantastic mood considering how the first paragraph of this post turned out.

my shindig was awesome, surreal of course but totally awesome.  i got a few lovely presents and several bottles of wine and the food was great and many chips arrived and it all just went really well.

the last man standing was tommer and the last woman standing was princess valium and othercat and af didn’t make it quite that long and boy was i ever glad to pass out at six in the morning!  it was incredibly different from my last party because fewer people showed up (like thirty instead of fifty) and people were more willing to hang out in the bedroom so we ended up with much more fluid groups and longer conversations.

some clients showed up and one boss and a bunch of friends and some people i’ve never met and some people i used to live with and all in all it was so lovely to see everyone and man did i get trashed.  it was a much easier party to throw than the last one because i did a LOT less work and you know what?  next time i’m doing less again!

i still have a ton of leftover (awesome! and kind of planned for) food [macaroni and potato and veggie salads and a lot of fruit and a little cheese.. just enough cheese… mmm cheeeeeeese and chips] and beer and so i think that next time i’ll get less beer and make a touch less food.  not much because the leftovers will feed me all week and it’s all stuff i love.

i mean it was my birthday after all, that food was for me!

well okay and the thirty some people who showed up to party with me *grin*

i think my favourite thing i did for this one was the bowl of chocolate candies i got.  anything that was 3-8 for a buck at the chocolate store i bought some of and filled a bowl with wonderful things.  earl gray and cardamom and ginger and mint and regular flavoured dark chocolate, reeses  cups and hersheys bits and pistachio nougat (no worries e, i’ll get more nougat next time!) and multiple flavours of bonbon and and… it was a twenty dollar chocolate bowl and worth EVERY CENT!!!

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my life is getting more surreal…

more later

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my sister got married y’all!

it was awesome!

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why is it that for my birthday the government hands me a bill and makes me deal with bureaucracy?

that’s just so unfair!

but at least i no longer owe on a single parking ticket.

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the combination of pms and my annual pre birthday malaise (always forgotten about the time i start to celebrate…) was really deadly this year.  deadly enough that i’m making more of an effort to take my cod liver oil and my calcium.  two things everyone should know about cod liver oil, it will help fix your dry skin issues and if it smells bad it is bad and you need to go get some fresh.  oh three, the capsules are easy to take.

i started taking cod liver oil because shane was talking about how it helped with the rashes she got in the winter from lack of vitamin D,  she’s from bermuda you see and is used to a lot more sun than we get here.  anyway MY skin always gets killingly itchy in the winter so this year i started taking cod liver oil and bam!  all better.

nice since i’m allergic to moisturizer.

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my fresh ankle sprain was only a class one and i can climb on it, untaped, in a week.  so i’m happy about that.

my old class seven hundred ankle sprain is still cranky but it is improving and i can climb on it, taped, in about a week.  it turns out to still be cranky from hillside.  not to mention that one of the muscles in my foot has gotten a little atrophied from all this not walking right and non-functional ankle and my big toe is starting to do that terrifying sideways move of death toward my second toe and i do NOT want bunions.  so now i have to fix my foot again.

this is better than the alternative like you guys have no idea.  that foot and the way i landed the other day?  my little class one sprain?  should have been a crunch that left my ankle in a cast.  wasn’t.  wasn’t because i’m too flexible and my bones are strong as hell.  wasn’t and instead i got a nasty little bruise and a limp for a week.

so yeah, feed your kids milk when they’re kids.

right, more calcium, note to self… eat more yoghurt.

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life is good y’all.  i love most of my clients and my rent is paid as soon as i pick up a couple of paycheques and i think i can even buy my ticket to the pma conference this month and it’s a SLOW MONTH!

*does quick check at orbitz.com and notes prices are stable*  *tries to remember to email nat about sunday night…*

i know!  my life rocks!

:)

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