snapshots of an idle mind

September 12, 2008

disdatndeudderting

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so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.

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look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?

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weirder even than being single again?

dating.

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look harriet!

sunny!

sunny!

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mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

my ball!

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there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ‘sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.

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i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.

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in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!

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doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?

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happy weekend!

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June 15, 2008

all right all right

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:)

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i promised myself that if anyone noticed that this blog had died i would write in it again.

i was thinking commenters but it turns out that the people who read this aren’t strangers from the world wide interweeb but friends and family that i don’t speak to that often.

so.

those seem like the kind of people worth writing for.

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it got really hard to write here after several people at once attacked me and some of those same people used posts that had NOTHING to do with them to somehow “prove” my evilness.

not so easy to put yourself out there when you know the water balloon filled with piss is waiting to land on your head.

that said, this month (two?) off has given me somewhat of a perspective shift on that. i can’t go around living my life for the people who hate me any more than i can go around living my life for the ones who love me. life has to be lived for yourself even if it means choosing to make sacrifices for loved ones.

no, those really aren’t the same thing.

i also can’t go around being afraid of what people who already hate me are going to say when i talk… i mean really now, how is that healthy?

it’s funny because someone wise once said that twenty five percent of people will love you, fifty percent will be indifferent and the other twenty five will hate you. since you can’t control what people think you may as well go after the first quarter.

generally that is a sentiment i have no problem with.

it’s just… it’s harder when it’s people who were intimates for some period of time before they changed sides. they know a lot about you and can most certainly do more damage. in fact i finally moderated ONE person for the first time ever because she was telling secrets that weren’t even mine. worse she was imagining details to fill in blanks and create patterns that never existed and then she was spewing that all over my comments section.

what are you supposed to do with that?

i considered moving the blog and i considered shutting it down but then you see she would win.

in the end i just didn’t say anything at all and i still lost because my friends and family (love ALL of you and you know who you are) defended me and then were in turn attacked by her. i lost double because i never did get another date with the guy she accused me of whoring myself out to and i quite liked him.

[funny, smart, hot, likes liberated women, science fiction and hot cars… what’s not to like?]

i did learn one thing though. my father is absolutely right when he says that what bullies want is to make you engage, to make you fight and yell and scream and the more you refuse to do that the more you piss them off.

unfortunately she got pissed off in public and my loved ones who DID engage took the brunt of her insanity and many of them ended up with hurt feelings. [incidentally miss g i did not, nor will i ever, coerce ANYONE to reply to you. i did ask a playwright friend for help drafting my single paragraph reply to your initial attack (no, i don’t think g is still reading, least i hope not because if she is her life is even smaller than i imagined and that’s just sad.)]

the part that surprises me is that i have trouble forgetting these people that really didn’t have my back.

it’s like i feel like the conversation isn’t over even though it is.

what’s weird to me is that that feeling exists at all when in all cases i could NEVER trust them again. when i know for a fact that my back is not something they have. when, in fact, i know that if i did turn my back they would likely stick a knife in it.

why is it exactly that i can’t stop wondering if they’re well?

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regardless, this is my blog … MINE and no one gets to fuck that up for me, no one.

even if it did take me a while to get there.

January 22, 2008

brick wall

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living in downtown toronto spoils you in ways you maybe don’t notice until you literally bounce your head off the wall created by someone else ardently disagreeing with you.

in this place it’s normal to be of any random skin colour possible, or to speak multiple languages of which one might be farsi or greek or english or punjab or mandarin or italian or…

and no one cares.

no one cares at all.  we go about our busy and scattered lives and pay no attention to the people doing the same all around us.  we don’t care who they love or what they do unless they are part of the vanishingly small percentage we interact with directly.

it’s kind of an i won’t mess with you if you leave me alone attitude actually.

but i forget, living here, what it’s like in places that aren’t here.  places where everyone is the same colour or everyone speaks the same language or everyone is (apparently) the same sexual orientation.

you see i don’t remember that some people still walk around saying things like ‘all faggots could die for all i care’ or ‘i hope you don’t expect me to feel sympathy for a dead actor who played a gay cowboy.  fucker messed with the last bastion of manness’ or ‘if god had meant for people to be homos they would make babies that way’ or some  other equally asinine crap like that.

i forget and then i ram my head into it.

i think we’ve come so far you know.  gay marriage is legal in this country, it’s making encroachments in the USA and it’s legal in several other countries in the world.

there are fewer gay bashing incidents here than there once were and people hardly bat an eye when they see two men or two women walking down the street holding hands.

nobody cares.  they’re all too busy worrying about their own problems now.  i mean sure there’s the crazy preacher who shows up to picket the pride parade every year but that’s about it.

nobody cares.

exactly what the gay community wants, to be left alone.

and then i hear words like these and i start to get upset and i go looking for information to throw at people and i find this great article about homosexuality in animals… which is here.

foolishly i try to get the other side of the argument to read it.  to at least have an argument based on similar information and all they can talk about is how nature says sex is only for making babies when more and more opinion is swaying to the contrary.

i just don’t know why i still get into these arguments, i should know that there’s no arguing with someone when they have god on their side and the power of their convictions to slay you with.  i should know better than to even try to find reason in this kind of discourse.

and then i think to myself but what about those learned religious scholars who are out there trying to reconcile science with god and sort of succeeding?  what about them?

do i not insult their very openness to new information by assuming that anyone who tosses god into an argument is inherently wrong? that said i suspect that the exceptional scholars are rarely if ever heard to utter the phrase ‘you’re wrong because god says so’

i just don’t understand, didn’t jesus say ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone?’  doesn’t that mean you’re supposed to NOT judge your neighbour?

apparently though if you repent and are willing to give up being gay you’re welcome in some people’s church…

*shaking head* and i wanted something to write about…

January 14, 2008

on blogging

Filed under: bliss,blogging,candida,driving,family,food,life,men,pilates,truth,work — sassinak @ 4:21 pm

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it’s interesting this blogging thing, it seems that we pay more attention to these virtual journals at some rate that is inverse to our current levels of contentedness. there isn’t much to say about being happy in your life. somehow … somehow you end up with very little news.

hi mom, how are you

i’m well, your father is well, you?

i’m great

how’s nayrb?

he’s great, how’s your art class…

how’s your pilates…

this is all very interesting stuff you know but well, you can only do it so many times. lately i feel like that’s how the conversations in my life are going. my work is going swimmingly, in fact i think i got a very nice gift of equipment today.

my teacher outgrew a storage unit and i offered to buy it from her… in return she told me to take it. this thing that is perfectly measured to our equipment as designed by her.

like i’m complaining.

but see that doesn’t make for particularly interesting *blogging.* in fact it’s a very nice life to be living but it leaves me with very little to say.

i got a raise at one of the places i work.

seriously what is there to talk about? my current levels of angst are mostly restricted to road rage and scrabble with my boyfriend.

well and paying for my vacation. i think i will do it but it’s closer than i would like since we turn out to be going on a more expensive week. nayrb might have to be in charge of the tipping when we get there. did i mention i’m really excited about my first vacation in five years?

oh like sixteen hundred times now? is that all? can’t i do sixteen hundred and one? please? i’m really excited???

seriously folks it makes for deadly dull writing.

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in other news, i’ve come to the conclusion that i have candida based on a whole pile of urinary tract infections and millions of yeast infections and some gnarly flavours in my mouth.

i’m not too thrilled about this candida idea at all, pretty much it explains some plaguing health concerns in a way that has me utterly convinced that i’m infested with that fucking stuff… so i’m on a diet. [neither of these are canonical references… if you think you may have candida please do your own research]

a diet that allows me to eat basically meat, vegetables, eggs, balkan yoghurt and legumes and not to spice it with soy or anything containing vinegar or anything that’s fermented… don’t forget no meat or yeast…

did you know hot sauce was made of vinegar? that soy sauce had wheat in it? that coffee wasn’t okay? damm them, not even the decaf.

i stare at bread like a starving victim, all puppydog eyes and longing glances.  i swear i’m worse than a teenaged nerd with a crush on the prom queen about yeast and flour bearing objects…

and to add insult to injury?  it’s been a week and i already feel better.

dammit.

i don’t mind the five pounds that i’ve dropped really i don’t, i just mind that the damn diet appears to be helping because it means that i have to stay on it.

ah well, least i’m cooking more at home… and i’ve made a deal with my favourite restaurant so life isn’t all bad…

but i want french fries!!!

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so yeah, that’s the sum total of angst in my life… please to be telling me what exactly i’m supposed to write about?

December 1, 2007

go read this

Filed under: blogging,life,random,socioanthropology,truth — sassinak @ 12:26 am

http://othercat.wordpress.com/2007/11/29/reluctant-warrior/

othercat wrote it and it’s awesome

and funny

and topical

November 21, 2007

i wonder

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how some people can smell so bad and yet seem never to notice.

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why i love the leafs so much when they’re sooo bad these days.

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what will happen to the planet when we’ve sucked all the oil out of it… and i don’t just mean with fuel. i just can’t imagine that nature made all that lube and stuck it down there for no reason… it just seems wrong somehow.

so, if you have no more lube between the rocks what happens when they try to slide?

seems to me the shakes will get bigger.

but i’m not a geologist, anyone else?

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why we think pumping water that sells for two dollars a litre into the ground to replace oil that sells (refined!) for one is good business practices.

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if i can sustain this 6:30 am client on wednesday mornings.

client that i love, that is my longest running client and the first one who ever paid me full price for an hour.

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when i became someone who cared about the state of her house.

although the answer seems to be ‘when she got a house worth caring about.’

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when i’m getting my next pedicure.

speaking of; here you go terry:

nat:

natpedi1.jpg

moi:

sasspediorl.jpg

nat’s toes:

nattoes.jpg

my toes

sasstoes.jpg

us

sassnnatalldone.jpg

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why folks would rather focus on their misery and pain than their happiness and freedoms.

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why some people take so much pleasure in hurting others.

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why the above two are so often the same person.

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why it’s often so much easer to hear the spitefulness hurled at you by those who dislike you than the kindness lavished upon you by your loved ones.

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why i had a weird dream about my car last night…

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and why i remembered it.

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why the posts i am often most proud of will regularly engender the fewest comments…

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why rainy grey days (IN MODERATION!) are so awesome…

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why i’m not currently napping…

November 15, 2007

parts per million

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i stuck a nat pic at the end of this for you terry… just one though.

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there is something so interesting about the repercussions of emotional behaviour that authors everywhere have written endless treatises on the subject from about a million perspectives both fictional and non.

in fact i’m reading yet another fantasy novel based almost entirely around this very idea.

it’s as fascinating to study the effects of love run amok as hate… although one could argue that those are in fact the same thing. anger is at least as interesting as passive resistance and greed is in many ways it’s own reward.

lately i’ve been thinking in terms of wells. some run dry, others are fouled, still more run sweet forever but all of them started out as very deep things that fed us.

like friendships.

you can’t tell when you meet someone what kind of well you will make. will you make a few half-assed passes with the dowsing rod and then give up entirely or will you sink a good and true well that lasts an eternity?

perhaps you will not work hard enough digging the well you will trust your friendship to and will wake one morn’ to find that it has run dry. or worse yet has been poisoned by ill will.

i don’t know that we can tell in advance (ever) where these things will end up. i’m sure that every time someone sinks an oil well they’re hoping to make the strike of all time but i know for certain that you can never really tell how long a strike will last.

okay i’m mixing my metaphors, water is somewhat more predictable although you can’t tell still if the guy higher up the hill is letting his cowshit seep into the stream. but maybe that’s the point? maybe we should treat our friendships more like wells since a good well-keeper will have the water tested constantly and maintain the pump and have the water table checked and try not to over-use the available water and and…

i do know this much though, i know that one thing that always leads to a fouled well is lack of care… and i know that the same is true of friendship. i also know that wells can be poisoned.

i wonder just how many parts per million it takes to poison a well. i know that with hatred just one little part is enough. i’ve also learned that hatred is never reserved for just the person you hate.

you think that it is, but it isn’t because it poisons everything you do. kind of like poisoning a water table rather than a single well. or poisoning a river upstream of a major town.

you walk around and you spread your hate because you can’t help it. you think you’ve managed to reserve it, husband it or herd it to just one little corner of your life but it spreads. it spreads like poison into the wells of your life until all of them are befouled and you are left wondering what it is exactly that turned your life awry.

if you notice.

usually by then you’re so consumed by your ill will toward someone that nothing but their downfall will satisfy you. or, to continue the metaphor, you won’t be happy until the water table has no water left.

seems like such a wasted effort.

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sassnnat1.jpg

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okay maybe one more

sassnnat2.jpg

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last one really

sassnnat3.jpg

damn girl you have some gorgeous eyes.

September 16, 2007

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Filed under: beer,bliss,blogging,cars,dancing,facebook,family,life,random,truth — sassinak @ 1:04 am

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incidentally (god i love that word) i’m pretty drunk.

the kind of hammered where my fingers tried to type happered and then i managed to correct it.

i know that it’s wrong and all because aparently if you drink alone you’re a big old alcoholic but one of my favourite things has long been to spend an evening at home doing basically nothing and drinking a bunch of beer. i mean really now, tomorrow is my first actual day off in like… hmmm..

thinking

thinking

contemplating finding book and checking

yeah ever.

seriously, i work six days a week, if i count my schedule i work something like fifty or sixty hours a week but if i take out the hours i sit around waiting to work (and driving to work and …) it’s more like 35 and then i spend something like five thousand dollars a year on my education which involves a whole bunch of edumacation and suddenly i’m not ever taking any time off.

and then, a miracle happened. i started to work enough that i could quit my sunday class and have an actual day off!

clouds parted.

light shone down.

life improved.

but still, six days a week i work… week in and week out, christmas and august and all the weeks in between i work. and tomorrow? tomorrow i have the day off. the kind of day off where i have turned off the ringers and shut off the alarms and will turn off the computer and i can sleep until WHENEVER!

of course i’ll wake up at ten but still, i don’t HAVE TO!!!

*clears throat* somehow, along with this free sunday i managed to not schedule myself for a saturday night. i tried, i tried to get myself to go to the turning point party at the gladstone but i failed. i failed miserably.

instead i stayed home (after picking up my parents and dropping them at the airport so they can screw off to italy for the next eight months… those bastards, i’m going to miss them like crazy) and drank beer and watched a ridiculous movie.

i stayed home and i ate popcorn and hard boiled eggs and chocolate bonbons for dinner [not all at once!] and i drank beer and watched ‘the holiday’ which made me laugh and cry and shout at the tv and say ‘oh yeah!’ at least thrice and just generally wallow in my track pants and my giant old sweatshirt and thoroughly enjoy myself.

and you know? i totally get that it’s all like bad and stuff to sit at home by yourself and drink beer. i totally do. it’s like the first hallmark of an alcoholic. except (of course) that it’s the first drinking i’ve done in days and days.

and i know i should be all concerned that i love to sit at home alone and drink but you know what? i’m really not. i’m really not because i know what my issues are and beer isn’t one of them. beer is delicious but if you told me that i could never have another one?

i would be sad but i just wouldn’t care that much.

that being said, there is something so inexplicably enjoyable about being alone, at home, in your track pants, on your couch and watching a sappy/funny/cute/uplifting/true movie while drinking stupendous amounts of beer that i just can’t care that it’s supposed to be bad for me.

maybe if i did that more than once per season.

perhaps if i drank to excess daily or even weekly.

hell maybe even if someone that i cared about had ever once told me they were concerned… but no, i don’t care because you know what?

*insert silly happy dancing music here*

i have the day off tomorrow

day off tomorrow

day off tomorrow

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day!

*giggle*

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incidentally (hee!) i feel like blogging lately. first time in months i’ve actually been brimming over with ideas for posts to the blog.

how cool is that?

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no seriously, you can’t get just how hard it’s been to keep the blog going the last few months, there’s been like nothing at the well and suddenly?

suddenly i’m having ideas all over the place like i did when i first started it and i’m really happy about that because i was afraid that it was dying and i didn’t want to be yet another dark blog. i especially didn’t want to do that considering that there are a few people who find inspiration here.

i don’t know much but i do know that inspiring people is a damm good reason to do something.

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i don’t know if any of you give a crap at all about formula one or high end racing but holy crap mclaren.

mclaren mclaren mclaren… what the fuck were you thinking? it’s better to lose than to have high end car buyers think you’re a thief and that you can’t build a car of your own.

i mean of course they can’t, that kit thing never will work, it’s why honda and toyota [on the road, not so much on the formula one] and ferrari kick ass *grin* (and bmw is starting to build their cars from scratch again too… and really… why did mercedes ever get into bed with mclaren in the first place?) but wow… they’re going to lose so much more than a hundred million dollars… the good will alone…

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i read this on someone’s facebook and feel the need to pass it on:

7 Ancient Principles

1. The world is what you think it is
2. There are no limits
3. Energy flows where attention goes
4. Now is the moment of power
5. To love, is to be happy with
6. All power comes from within
7. Effectiveness is the measure of truth

how awesome is that?

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i have the day off tomorrow

off tomorrow

off tomorrow

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day

going to sleep all night

going to sleep half the day

i have the day off tomorrow

all the live long day!

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night!

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