snapshots of an idle mind

July 30, 2005

to chocolate or not to chocolate

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:30 pm

I am having one of those days… well a couple of them actually. Last night I bit the bullet and hit mcd’s which I will of course deny if anyone asks. Today I had a sub and some chocolate and I ate breakfast out too and funnily enough I’m exhausted and sleepy.

I suspect that I’m probably at that two day period in my cycle where I just can’t eat enough junk. Tragically of the average 30 days for me there are about 9 where I can’t eat enough food. It helps that I’ve been smoking less pot but nonetheless there are these nine days. It makes it hard to keep off any pounds that i shed the other 21 days let me tell you.

I’d really like to know why my body feels the need to do this to me on a monthly basis. I get it that it likes the food that’s worst for my hips. I get it that I’m hitting an age where my cycle and the hormones attached to it are going to be making themselves felt with a vengeance. I get it that sometimes what you think you’re craving and what your body is really asking for are fully different things.

But still.

Why can’t I crave spinach when I ovulate? Why is it that only Baskin Robbins Peanut Butter Chocolate will do? Or Eclats de Caffe which is the best dark chocolate bar ever. No really, ever. It would be nice if my body wanted to eat things like almonds, asparagus, apples… but no. Chocolate, carbs, fat and FRENCH FRIES are the rulers of the day.

I suppose that in some ways this is good. My ladies really like that I look like a human woman when I’m teaching them but nonetheless I truly believe that I would get a LOT more work if I looked like a dancer or a climber or a swimmer. I know that these things come with patience and more work. I know that climbing two or three times a week will rip me to shreds in a few months… it’s just.

I’m not feeling very positive lately.

I’m feeling a little bit like I’m treading water and going nowhere and watching my life pass before my eyes. And the thing is that I can’t quite figure out what to do about it. I know that I have a life that a lot of people think is pretty cool. I know that with a little patience this Pilates thing will take off. I know that if I can just buckle down and clean the fucking building I’ll have the superintendent job as long as I want it.

Still. I feel like I’m wasting my life. I feel like there are all these fantastic places to see and things to do and stuff to learn and I’m just sitting here typing into a computer at 11pm on a Saturday. Because I am here to tell you, nothing says you have no life like blogging on a Saturday night. Except maybe knowing you did the SAME thing on Friday night.

Yeah… after you went climbing with the married guy. Not to mention that the lunch date today? Yeah, with the gay guy. I love my friends, I really do like my life.. I just feel like I’m making decisions that are somehow robbing me of the chance at something more.

For the record something more doesn’t necessarily mean ‘married with kids and a dog and a white picket fence’ because, for one thing? I don’t like fences. It’s just that I’m stuck in the middle of something. Part of me really wants to pack my shit, sell most of it, dump the rest in the barn at the parents place and fuck off to Bali or something.

In fact my sister has already offered to adopt my cats and since I know how much she loves them I’m down with that. It’s just, there’s the other part. The part that wonders if maybe the point isn’t to stay in one place and get to know the friends and family that are around you and learn to treasure the quiet times and the deep caring relationships.

So I sit here being indecisive and don’t DO anything. I don’t decide to go, I just decide to stay a little longer. To stay until I save up a little money. To stay until until until… I remind me of the woman who won’t pierce her navel until her tummy is flat and worth showing off and thus never pierces her belly button.

The irony of this?

Almost everyone I know tells me how I inspire them, how my positive outlook makes their lives easier, how my ability to just deal with shit amazes them [because when the relationship sucks I actually leave], how they wish they were more like me how how how…

I don’t get it. I’m seriously the most fucked up person I know and I inspire people?

That scares me a little.


July 29, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:37 pm

i forgot how gross it is to nibble your nails after climbing.

chalk tastes like shit!

evil geniuses for dummies

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 4:37 pm

I can’t be bothered finding a specific mention of EGFD in the user friendly archives… if you’re nerdy enough you already know what I mean and if you aren’t you probably don’t click title links anyway.

So… muhahahahahaha. my evil plan is working! After I was told that I wasn’t working up to snuff I started to do the SAME amount of work but only when my boss is HERE. So she tells me today that she’s noticed a big improvement.


Have to get some more Xavier Rudd cds or i’ll get sick of the one i have. There is some hint that my birthday is coming and i should fail to shop for myself. So I’ll TRY not to get them!

Is it wrong that I want to drive to Chicago to see him again on Monday? Alternately I want to go to Australia and follow him around for a while :)

Birthday camping is cancelled in favour of hanging with the fam at the farm and watching the Perseids and then going to summerfolk the following weekend. This is pretty cool although I won’t get to play at Metcalfe Rock. Ah well, more gym time I guess…

Maybe I’ll just take myself down to Niagara one day and boulder outside. Seems kind of pointless because my endurance is for shit. It’s sort of frustrating because by the time my endurance is better it will be fucking winter again. Hopefully I’ll have cash and I can go play in the carolinas or something. And it’s really only my hands… the rest of me is finding the return to the gym easy.

I made it to the end of another month! AND I paid my car insurance. Now I just need to pay for car REPAIRS!

Back to not being interested in a single man. Not one. I met a guy at hillside who had a bit of potential but really not enough to care if he calls me. Which he won’t. I really, really don’t think that I’m that picky. In fact I think I’m willing to date just about anyone that isn’t in jail or already father to 9 kids by 7 different women. Or grossly obese AND unfit. Or stupid. Or repulsive pheremones.

Now would I date them more than once? Maybe not but maybe. Depends on how much fun we have the first time now doesn’t it? Mostly I’m just tired of being asked out or hit on or groped by people who have partners already. [At least a lot of them are hot and attractive to me… so I’m at least attracting men I would date if they weren’t cheating, lying scumbuckets.]

In fact, for most of my life I’ve been the one they chase after for rebounds, for affairs or for one night stands. Now, I *get* that i have a great rack… but I only figured that out a few years ago and before that I was all about the baggy shirts over leggings (misguided attempt to not be hippy… i’ve since decided to embrace the curves). So it’s not just the boobs. Do I give off some sort of ‘cheat with me’ vibe? Do I seem easy?

Because I have to say that I am like the opposite of easy. (Yes RUS I am familiar with your theory of women who say they won’t put out on the first date… but I can handle my liquor and I know enough not to drink sass panty remover on a first date [good irish whiskey for anyone who’s wondering {current faves Red Breast and Tyrconnell}]). So far my average wait time is a couple of weeks but sometimes it’s longer and sometimes it’s shorter. So I’m not saying I’m impossible… just that you have to be worth fucking.

Casual sex makes me feel icky. So it’s sort of weird you have to admit that the only people who chase after me want just that.

I have met men I found worthwhile, it’s just they were all already married to people… and in love… and faithful. Or too far away, too not interested, too waiting for someone better.

For a while I decided it was my age or my general not-hotness. However, I have a lovely friend who is all of 2 years younger than me and she’s doing great… AND I’ve lost most of the weight so I’m definetely reviving my hottie factor and still.


It’s enough to give a girl a complex. Now I don’t really want to have a kid with a gay friend or by myself but it’s sort of looking like the way to bet.

In related news, I’m seriously looking for work outside of Toronto. Outside of Canada actually. I really want to learn to surf and it occurs to me that other than some friends that I love I have NOTHING holding me here. Nothing.

So why stay? Can’t think of a single reason. Wish me luck in my quest. Alternately, if you’re looking for a Pilates teacher somewhere tropical or New Zealand… leave me a note!

July 28, 2005

keanu reeves doesn’t suck

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:48 am

No, seriously.

My sister and i were discussing this, in fact she’s torturing me right now by lecturing me about the movie i *JUST* watched with her. Hardball is what it’s called by the way. In fact we had the old Keanu Reeves double header because we watched The Replacements first.

She loved a whole pile of stuff about Hardball by the way. I could write it down but that would imply that i was listening. fine… i can’t tell you because that would spoil the movie. Trust me, it’s good AND Keanu Reeves doesn’t suck.

Think about it. Speed rocked, the first Matrix was good and he isn’t why the other two weren’t. Point Break was much fun. sister says Constantine is awesome and so on and so on. [Don’t forget Bill and Ted’s either!]

I know, none of these are some artsy fartsy adult oriented non porn drama. All of them have fun in them. Except no… hardball is a drama. My Own Private Idaho is an excellent drama. I could continue but instead i’ve decided that people make fun of his acting because they don’t like his style.

I do. Sister does. That’s enough for me.

On a lighter note I got some really really good news at work. La boss whom i dislike working with because our brains think in opposite ways [yeah for some reason i renovate walls before floors. her? not so much] has just lost the property manager of her building. So she’s taking over and finishing the renovations at her building. Which means OUT OF MY HAIR!

Oh damm that feels good. I think I’ll have a party.

Got a bunch of subbing for August which helps. So I can eat in September and my birthday is coming and it often involves cash. I’m hoping to get enough to get that oil pan fixed. Damm cars. Can’t live with them, can’t take the fucking bus. Well I can, but I don’t have that kind of time. I just would not be able to deal with my schedule without a car.

It’s too bad because I’d rather not. Next year I’ll be able to bike so maybe I can chuck the automobile then. I don’t go anywhere much more than 15 kilometres from home and toronto is relatively flat. Must get my bike back once the boiler room is empty.

It’s not as hard to certify for water teaching as I thought. I have to demonstrate above average swimming prowess which, trust me on this one, i have. I have to prove first aid certification and then I can skip the ‘assistant instructor’ badge or cert or whatever. Then I have to take a 30 hour course and I’m done. Just like that.


I can teach swimming. Yay. I mean I have to get work but I have some damm good qualifications. I might go straight for coaching. It seems sort of presumptuous and yet not. When I help people with their strokes they improve immediately.

Anyway… thoughts :)

July 26, 2005

words to muse by

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 11:10 pm

it’s hard to type right now… something about a climbing gym.

so this isn’t a hillside post. well it is in the sense that it’s premised on something that happened there but it isn’t ABOUT hillside. In fact it’s about sharing.

There I was in the drum circle and sorta sitting on my drum and listening to these drummers not listening to each other. It’s hard to join in to that because noone is listening so no matter what you do you’re fucking something up.

Now my old drum teacher was there (and drunk) and it was really kind of sad actually. He was running around and hitting his drum as loud as he could and making all this noise and generally fucking it up. At one point he even ran over and started talking about how he could ‘drum the circle’ … as though he could tell them what to do. Then a little later one of the leaders of a brazilian marching band shows up with his drum and all hell breaks loose.

This is not the good kind of hell. My former teacher runs over with his drum to the brazilian guy and starts trying to outdrum him. So the brazilian guy tries to out drum him and then it just keeps on and on.

The next night I’m drumming again and there’s only a few of us and this guy I know tells me that if i just play along with him we can ‘overpower’ the circle and make them play our rhythm.

Now I am here to tell you that does NOT work.

It doesn’t work if there’s five drums and it doesn’t work if there’s fifty. In fact, all the best music I’ve ever heard (that wasn’t by a solo artist) involved a lot of listening. In fact that seems more and more to be the secret to almost everything.

Listen. Such a simple word.

v 1: hear with intention; “Listen to the sound of this cello” 2: listen and pay attention; “Listen to your father”; “We must hear the expert before we make a decision” [syn: hear, take heed] 3: pay close attention to; give heed to; “Heed the advice of the old men” [syn: heed, mind]

Hear with Intention. So if you’re drumming you should hear what’s happening around you so that you can fit into it… and if you’re any kind of musician at all you better be listening. But then there’s people who get so lost listening to themselves that they can’t hear anything else.

Funny how suddenly a story about a drum circle becomes a life metaphor… because it is.

I was going to say a lot more but that feels like the end.

July 25, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 8:54 pm

did i mention xavier rudd rocks?

sam roberts wasn’t bad either but i was so tired by then i couldn’t properly enjoy it.

the workshops were fantastic. most memorable? The guys from Quebec with the Indian guys. Les Batinses and Dya Singh. They should play together all the time, it was phenomenal. I danced a lot.

some people shouldn’t drink and drum. or drive.

it’s hard to drum with a circle that can’t listen to itself.

swimming lessons are so much fun. I ended up doing four or five of them this weekend and had a blast. Couple of people told me that I was a good teacher. :)

[othercat’s Hillside tale]

i think i’ll certify and start teaching water things also.

i want to be the xavier rudd version of a deadhead.

i’m a better drummer than i like to admit.

i want to take myself someplace that is else

now how?

i have this little warm ball of energy in my chest that was a gift from a special soul. :_

i love my volunteer job. i fully have the best job at the festival.

i’m having some hillside revenge (ragingly vegetarian diet just got thrust upon my intestines. they are slightly miffed)

i still love reading in my tent on saturday afternoon. it’s pretty much an annual highlight.

i wonder if i should stop promoting Hillside so much since it’s sold out already. (er… this year… next year is strangely enough not available yet.)

is it weird that i get excited about next year’s festival while driving home from this years?

is it weirder that i’m excited like every day?

is it even weirder that it never disappoints even after all that buildup?

this year was particularly stellar.

didn’t i say that last year?

i’m in awe of the waste management at this shindig. They have (i shit you not) trash stations everywhere with recycling, dishes (for washing, NO disposable except a couple of specialty plate things at vendors), trash, composting, bottle return (in volunteer camping) … and it’s changed constantly ALL weekend. The place is clean the whole time… it’s amazing.

people kept thanking me for my work which i didn’t get. how was anything at hillside work? i get to sit on my ass, listen to music, flirt with cute guys (that tend to be performers or senior volunteers [what? nerdism of almost any kind turns me on], have an all access pass, talk on the radios, know everything, find excuses to talk to the cute musicians (fully egged on by my ‘boss’), and get THANKED for it? I mean sure I had to know stuff and help people who were stressed but even stressed people at hillside are mellower than the average guy.

the honour system for volunteer food doesn’t really work.

i missed the belly dancing workshops.

had yoga for breakfast.

[wanted to try out the climbing gym i drove by in guelph]

bought NEW flip flops on friday that i wore much of the weekend AND my feet are still speaking to me.

think i might get the other three xavier rudd cds. or i’ll make a wishlist since my birthday is in the offing.

mmmm wishlist.

i wish to go to that festival in australia with the sign on the gate that says ‘if this festival doesn’t change your life, you’re doing it wrong’

i wish to go a lot.


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 5:03 pm

Oh man. I’m still speaking in full on slow motion and I can hardly talk about anything not related to the weekend that I just spent.

There’s a tradition at Hillside whereby people talk about their ‘Hillside moments.’ These are basically seconds or minutes or hours that pass and are perfect for you and you will remember them forever.

Some examples from previous years… the first time I ever danced in a drum circle at 2am with a bonfire on one side and drummers on the other (first night, first year). It was fully sublime and left me blissed out for days.

Last year it was much more serene. I was sitting at about 1pm on Friday on the platform that was becoming the soundbooth and just watching them build the stage and erect fencing and build sinks and and and … and I was SO happy because I was in my favourite place on earth watching it get built. [eventually I will have to volunteer for site crew just to do it once]

This year I almost have to say that the ENTIRE festival was my hillside moment. That said, if I had to pick moments there would be two. Swimming in the lake on friday and feeling my body move like a kid again. I actually went swimming like 8 times this weekend because of that!

But the other.


This man walks onto the stage all rigged out with a djembe and three didjeridoo’s and a couple of other drums and a guitar and a harmonica all set up on stands and he starts to play this ethereal and beautiful music. And then he made me dance. And dance. And dance.

So there I was dancing my face off with a sellout crowd and listening to this phenomenal music when this man appears and starts ska dancing beside me. He and I went apeshit for a while to this music and then more and more and more people started dancing with us. IT was wonderful. So amidst a sea of bliss, during a sublime weekend and with mother nature smiling at us this guy showed up so I didn’t have to dance alone. Don’t know his name or anything about him but I feel for a time we were kindred spirits.

Nothing controversial to say. didn’t meet anyone with spark but that’s all right, Hillside isn’t really about that. did run into a man that I went out for a tea with a year or so ago. he took my number and never used it. Funny cause he doesn’t look cute anymore… in fact I find myself a little indifferent.

Funny how rejection gets you over someone in a second flat.

In case I didn’t make it clear… XAVIER RUDD fucking ROCKS! Go see him if you can. He rocks so much that for the first time in SEVEN years I shamelessly abused my all access pass to the festival so that I could track down this man and tell him how wonderful he was. And I had to line up with board members and senior staff to do it! [and he hugged every one of us… such wonderful energy].

Happy Hillside y’all.

July 21, 2005

deep thought

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:35 am

there that’s my whole post :)

Today I’m a little bit prouder than usual to be Canadian. The Civil Marriage Act is officially law and now there is no reason that my best friend and his partner can’t get married if they choose. The House, the Senate AND the Governor General have passed the bill and it’s law. In fact the Prime Minister did a speech about it a while ago that still brings shivers to my whole body when I read it and I’ve read it several times, read it to people, posted a link to it and posted it on my site. Here it is again.

It made my friend hubris cry actually.

Anyway, sometimes you’re just really happy to live where you live and it’s sure nice to be the fourth country in the world to do something really cool. In fact… even though several Albertans believed it to be so the world did NOT in fact end today. I think the sun may even rise tomorrow!!!!


Ironically there I was again hanging out with the gay boys instead of scoping out the straight ones. This has to stop. I teach Pilates… to WOMEN. I’m the superintendent of a building in the heart of the gay village. I’m in a band with a pile of taken men. I am joined at the hip to a man married to another man. And I go to the climbing gym with a married guy. Seriously can I give myself no chance of meeting someone or what?

I mean really, I don’t think I could engineer it better for total lack of meeting male people if i TRIED.

So, that said… i’m so busy at least I hardly have time to care. Part of me thinks ‘hey you have a crazy busy life and all sorts of fun activities… what does it matter?’ … but another part of me thinks ‘you haven’t gotten laid in TWO YEARS!’ and I have to tell you that part two is louder. Tragically, I’m not a casual sex kind of girl.

Life would be SO much easier if I were. I could just go to hillside and bring some condoms and find a little boy to fuck and be done with it. But I can’t… I’m just not the type. In fact I actually DON’T fuck on the first date. [which is not to say that I’ve never had casual sex, I actually have several times during my younger years] I’m not saying that I’ve never boinked someone I just met or that I never will again… just that the odds of me putting out the first time we get together are about as good as the odds that I will find a name for my fucking kitten. [who i like, I just can’t name.][please note obligatory Hillside reference… I’m not excited at all.]

You know… speaking of finding boys to fuck at Hillside. This reminds me of last year. there I was with my great tent and my double bed and some fresh condoms and everything… because well, it never hurts to prepare yourself for foolishness even when you aren’t really the type. Damm ski patrol and it’s be prepared crap. Anyway there was this really cute 19 year old boy camping beside othercat’s and my little area. He was there with a girl that may or may not have been his girlfriend (I don’t think THEY knew) and some friends.

This girl treated him like crap and I actually was heard to say to othercat ‘that girl better watch it or i’m going to trip that boy on principle.’

Be careful what you wish for.

So he and I are hanging out that night at the drum circle [which goes all night fyi] and generally it dawns on me that noone else is around, the sun is close to the horizon in the am direction and i’m walking around with a teenage boy. Who invites me back to his tent for a bowl.

So how naive am I? I think he means ‘let’s smoke some pot and then i’ll see you later’…

yeah not so much.

So he jumps me. I confess I nearly did it. I came *this* close to doing it. And then he took off his shirt and he had those little boy boobs that some guys who were chubby as kids have in their late teens and I was SO OVER the whole idea.

All of a sudden I’m in a tent with a teenager and I’m the cougarest cougar ever in my own mind. And I can’t believe I’ve ended up there… or that I’ve let things progress this far… [it was dawn and you are slightly intoxicated from the second you wake up at hillside and my shift had started at 7AM that day so i was awake a loooong time…]

So I say for the ninetieth time ‘no, I really can’t do this’ which he takes as ‘i’m reluctant … just convince me’ … which i was and if he were even a little smooth he could have talked his way into my pants and he says ‘but come ON… a NINETEEN year old WANTS to fuck YOU’ as though i’m supposed to be like flattered or something?

He just kept repeating it, like he couldn’t believe that an actual woman was turning him down, meant it and wasn’t impressed with his teenage man boobs. In some ways that makes me glad for the sake of women everywhere that I really did say no.

Seriously the moral of this story? Right back to the cliche I used to use on the boys at the bar when I was bartending.

Age and experience over youth and enthusiasm EVERY time baby.

July 20, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:34 pm

did i mention my sister is coming camping with othercat and i for my birthday?

i got a bunch of sub teaching for august so at least september won’t suck financially and then in october the money from the new class i start in september shows up.

i think i’m getting cash for my birthday. [please please please]

my hands are starting to callus from climbing.

i remembered about laps at the climbing gym! [laps are when you climb the same route repeatedly with no breaks until your hands won’t hold on anymore]

sometimes it’s hard to resist someone else’s black cloud.

my sister rocks.

hillside starts on FRIDAY!!!!!!

[dance of joy]

my new non busted cell phone is here and it’s DAMM CUTE! (motorola v551 if you’re curious)

my kitten really wants to get laid.

6.5 hours of mopping/sweeping AND 2 hours of climbing in the same day? With laps? Bit much.

i’m really, really not getting that job… and i’m okay with it.

i think i might not get fired from my superintendent job after all.

i want to move somewhere with surfing. Are you listening Universe?

i miss my cable less and less, in fact, not at all.

i’m now addicted to blogging instead.

and i’m turning into a comment whore.

friends are here… must go.

July 19, 2005

nothing to see here… move along

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:23 am

I don’t really have anything to talk about tonight. My eyes are sort of gritty and closing and my cat is whining and annoying. There was a little tequila earlier but not enough since i’m freaking broke and i can’t afford proper amounts of tequila.

Bad news is there may be no liquor store for a few weeks as of late July. This would be MOST unfortunate because I don’t get paid for any work until August 1st and my birthday is August 12th.

*flash and bang of lightning hitting sass in the head*

that explains it

the sour mood, the maudlin attitudes, the mild depression. It’s my fucking birthday. And for this woman it’s a rather pivotal birthday too.

You see, after 40 the whole making babies thing becomes pretty much fucking impossible unless you hire a surrogate or whatever. That said, I didn’t want to think about it for a while so I just made a little plan. No worries until 34, then investigate your fertility and then at 35 just decide once and for all… YES or NO… to breed or not to breed.

If the decision is yes then go find a sperm donor and if the decision is no then just fucking forget about it. This was a GREAT plan when I was 31. Like freaking awesome.

But now, now I’m turning 34. That means this is it, I have to decide this year. To be a mom or not to be a mom. To adopt or to use my own egg. Since I’m ragingly poor at the moment this is rendered somewhat more difficult to think about since I’m pretty sure I can’t afford the diapers.

Still, I gave myself time to think and I learned something. Deep down inside me I actually wish to be a parent. I even want it to be mine and not adopted. It’s just there’s something else. I never really thought that I would be doing it alone. I just assumed that magically the Universe would drop a nice man on my head and that would be that. [okay how funny would it be if a nice man actually really did land on my head??] No matter how much I said it, no matter how much I protested, part of me really thought that I would get to do this with a partner.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s an offer. A gay friend of mine wants my egg… but he wants to be a coparent and I have to tell you I’m really not sure I want to tie my life to a man that I can’t have for the next 20 years or the rest of my life. Like all where to live decisions and so on would have to be made with someone else’s input.

It really seems like all of the disadvantages of marriage with none of the advantages.

I confess this would be easier to muse on if I had gotten laid in living memory.

I read a description of a woman today in Hedger’s blog that I’ll paste here. do you think I should tell him I did it?

“We get to talking and she’s embarrassed at her age. She’s 32. Hey, we’ve all got to go sometime. Tracey, she calls herself. With an E. She was sad, I could tell. The dame’s confidence had been rattled by years of abusive men and had become suspicious of everyone as a result, I was sure. It was all in her eyes. It was the reason why she couldn’t let herself have a little fun. She was guarded and outgoing at the same time. She was no longer at ease with the idea of being able to trust a total stranger, if she ever had been.”

We’ve all got to go sometime?!?!??? AT THIRTY TWO?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not in the slightest teeniest tiniest bit embarassed about my age, (expect when I’m crushing on someone younger than my sister… but that’s more feeling like a cougar than anything) in fact I’ve come so far in the last 15 or so years that to regret it would be tragic and really self defeating. However, the bit about the dame’s confidence and suspicious nature… then he mentions that she’s outgoing and guarded at the same time and I sort of feel like he’s talking about me. Now he’s NOT. For one thing I’m not in Australia and I haven’t been to that kind of bar in ages… but still.

I’m not quite there, I can trust strangers and in fact do it regularly. I can have fun. But can I?

I’m the one shushing everyone when we’re running down the halls wasted on whatever. I’m the one chastising the litterers and telling people that they clearly don’t value their country if they’re littering. I’m the wise old auntie to a troupe of young things that I know.

And that feels somehow like a safe choice. Like I’m turning into the crazy spinster on the corner who shouts ‘why i oughta’ while she waggles her finger at some kid on a skateboard. [and why are there so few places kids are allowed to skate today? Downtown is deserted at night now since they broke all the fun places to skateboard and chased the kids away]

I feel like I’m letting my life pass me by and I can’t figure out why I feel that way. I’m busy, I’m working on a cool career, I have friends that I treasure and hobbies that I love and yet.

I haven’t learned to surf yet.
I haven’t seen Australia and New Zealand and Bali and Thailand and Turkey and Greece and Egypt and South America and all of Asia and all of Africa and the Antarctic [Antartic?]… yet.
I haven’t climbed a real mountain yet.
I haven’t scuba dived yet.
I haven’t learned to wind surf yet.
I haven’t jumped out of an airplane yet.
I haven’t graduated from college or university.
I haven’t done SO MANY things that I was sure I would have done by now.

So am I regretting my choices? Not really no. I mean there was that horrible 3-some and a few other nasty memories but overall?


I’ve made some weird choices and I’ve done some pretty fun things but i feel like my exploration factor has just not been met. My feet are still itchy and I’m still here.

So what’s keeping me here then? Roots? The ease of it? what?

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