so i keep coming back to this incident a few weeks back with that guy in the bar and the resulting comments and the email experiment and it’s results and the taste that incident leaves in my mouth is actually getting fouler the more i think about it.
i think i might actually have preferred him to have never answered my email and for him to have just been another single guy who isn’t into me. in the long run that would have been easier to take for a lady who is already reeling from so many trust betrayal issues among the men around her.
i mean for fuck’s sakes people just how hard is it for a guy in a relationship to actually admit it? to be honest about it? [this applies even to almost separated and freshly separated people… tell the goddamm truth please!]
from the commenters on my blog one would assume that it isn’t hard at all because all you men are saying he shoulda owned up to having a partner at home long before he did.
from my experiences in the real world one can assume that it’s well nigh impossible for a man to admit he has a partner at home, and this guy had so many opportunities.
and lest you think that i am harping on this one experience let me assure you i’m not.
i will tell you that it’s getting so i’m almost afraid to flirt with the people who flirt with me because i’m so afraid of the perpetual disappointment.
“oh look madge, another nail in my disappointed in the men around me coffin”
‘oh that’s awesome midge, you needed another one like i need another cigarette’
“now madge you know you’re supposed to give up that habit”
‘yes dear, the way you’re giving up on believing in men?’
*great aunt beatific smile*
i can’t do it, i can’t stop believing in men when this world has people like othercat and cortex reaver and and and in it. it’s just i meet SO many docs and so few othercats that it’s getting harder and harder to believe in y’all. [and if you think i just mean about dating? think again]
heck, i used a man as an example of a good man to a woman and she just stared at me because that same man had totally fucked with her head and then failed to mean any of it. in fact he proceeded to do several unintentionally cruel and terribly hurtful things to her.
a fact which is making it a little harder for me to keep blaming someone from my past for his transgressions against my emotional well-being. except not really, i’ll still never trust either of them the same way after all.
but still and all, if someone i respect can fuck it up that badly…
so i start thinking about it, and i start to think about the men i might have wronged or misled in my life and i can make a pretty sizeable list but that list has one essential thing in common.
all of those fuckups happened before i hit twenty-five years of age and it seems to me that twenty-five is a legitimate watershed on this kind of crap. if you’re still fucking with people’s heads and you’re over twenty-five?
grow the hell up.
or at least leave me out of it because you know what?
i just cannot take it any more. one more little kick at the can and i might start to believe all those bitter women out there preaching that all men are scum.
okay fine, we all know that i won’t because i’m too inherently optimistic but geeze, it’s getting harder and harder to be a nice guy y’all and a little help would be nice.
so funny, if anywhere in that half hour, even on the way out the door [“so sorry gotta go meet the wife byeeeeeee”], that man had told me he was attached i would look back on that half hour with him as a great pleasure.
instead i think of him as yet another disappointment.
one little sentence… such a big difference.
in a continued string of small and large disappointments i went out and found the perfect reformer for my business and made a deal on it and arrangements for the manufacturer to pack it and then her cousin bought it out from under me.
can’t blame her at all, he offered her more money and she doesn’t have to get it to sacramento… but damm i tried so hard not to get my hopes up and up they went anyway.
in case you’re wondering? the same machine new (which therefore ALSO incurs taxes when it crosses the border) is forty-six hundred and sixty dollars (okay i added two little things that add up to like two hundred bucks) PLUS SIX HUNDRED AND FIFTY fucking dollars in canadian sales taxes.
her machine before shipping? 3500usd
the same machine new before shipping? 5310usd
so yeah, i’m delighted about that one.
and then, after i write the vast maority of the sulky post i take my cranky ass off to teach and torture their feet (amazing how groans of pain can cheer me up… wrong, but amazing) and then dash home and dump the car and dash to my last client and teach him and thank god today is over and i walk out still cranky and?
giant, fat, gorgeous flakes that land on my eyelids like kisses.
and suddenly all my cares are petty and small and all is well with the world.