snapshots of an idle mind

May 30, 2007

left fields

Filed under: family,life,singlehood — sassinak @ 11:44 pm

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so yeah.

a bunch of things have happened around me again and as usual i’m reeling for no real reason.

(okay one of my clients is quitting which sucks. and it’s right at the beginning of summer which is my slow time which sucks more. plus i’m the maid of honour in my sister’s wedding which will be SOOO awesome but expensive and i have to pay my instructor liability insurance annually and it’s due and three people went on vacation and…)

someone is falling in love

someone has disappointed me enormously

someone is pregnant

someone is getting married

someone is getting their nose touched up

someone is moving across the country

someone is making me wait an hour for dinner and it’s after ten at night

someone is splitting up

someone is feeling better

someone is heartbroken

someone has a new baby and is a glowing mom

and so on…

and today when i went for lunch with an old friend and i hung out with her and her son and she talked about the time, before she had a baby, when she thought she couldn’t. when she had been visiting with a family and it was so hard to be there because it was something she didn’t think she would have.

and then she did.

she was also the first person ever not to tell me i had lots of time when i expressed regret at my childless state and at the fact that it was likely that it would stay that way. so i thanked her of course.

i mean she’s the first person who hasn’t tried to placate me by saying “don’t worry dear, you have lots of time” and i SO appreciated that.

i mean so much.

you can’t imagine how much…

anyway she nodded and smiled that sad smile and said okay. she said she knew exactly what i meant and that at thirty you had to get a move on. it was time to get the motor on and get going. it’s just that i don’t seem to have a motor to get on.

oh man that was such a bad sexual innuendo that i’m leaving it in there.

and all around me i see people and clients in various stages of barely pregnant to full on parenting mode and it’s starting to get really hard [which is probably why the pregnant ones thank me for ‘honoring their condition.’ *wry smile*] i find that suddenly i am starting to sympathise with single women who abandon their friends once those friends start breeding and having husbands.

or those friends abandon us.

it’s just so hard to see something so fundamental pass you by and not even really have a choice about it. you think you have all this time and then *poof* like magic it’s gone.

and i found myself, today, hit by a stab of such profound mourning that i was astonished.

there’s no way i could do this alone, there’s no unemployment insurance or maternity leave for me, i’m self employed after all. right now i have less than a hundred dollars in the bank, ask me how i can pay for a kid.

i nearly beat on the lady who said ‘there’s always a way’ and i’m looking at her and her family and her husband and thinking ‘yes, yes there is… but it’s harder when you’re alone and self-employed.’

my sister says that people don’t know what to say so they try to be comforting.

i think that’s like allowing your friends to maintain their fantasy lives rather than telling them the truth. it’s easy but it doesn’t make it the right thing to do.

stab of mourning.

i couldn’t believe it. i met my own eyes in the mirror and i couldn’t bear the grief in them.

i just never knew that it was going to hurt this much. i keep thinking that i’ve let it go, that i’ve moved on, that i’ve passed my grief to the universe and then *wham*

fucking left fields.

May 22, 2007

gloo-o-o-o-o-ooo-o-o-o-o-ooooria

Filed under: bliss,family,food,life,random,seasonal — sassinak @ 12:40 pm

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yesterday the coolest thing happened.

what’s funny about this is that when i tell you what it was you’ll laugh at me and many of you won’t even grok why it’s a big deal.  okay the parents will.

yesterday, for the first time in LIVING.MEMORY i didn’t have to set an alarm.

i know! i was stunned myself.

not only did i fail to have to work yesterday AND not only did my cold disappear sometime during the night but i also failed to need to be sober at any point during the day.   i mean i almost felt like i was at hillside or something!  of course since i was allowed to spend the day intoxicated i spent it pretty darned sober instead.

what’s up with that anyway?

ironically, since i didn’t need to wake up even remotely early?  since i could sleep until four in the afternoon if i wanted to? i was up by ten.

i know, figures right?

kind of made it easier to pass out early to get up this morning though so i’m not particularly like complaining or anything.   it’s just funny is all since i so rarely get days off like that i almost feel like i’m *supposed* to sleep until noon you know?

nonetheless it turned out okay because the friends who were sleeping at my house that night also stirred early and i was motivated to create an orgasmic breakfast for us all.

shut up, i do so know how to cook, i just never have an excuse.

no seriously i can cook!

fine, don’t believe me.

anyway, i made pancaces and potato thingies and a little omelette with cheese and i served it all with blackberry jam and dark maple syrup (grade C is better than grade A!) and butter and nutella and we ate and ate and ate and ate.

it was blissful.

and then, because i had to work at 6:45 this morning and i didn’t want to have to get up and do the dishes first??

i promptly cleaned up and did the dishes.  sounds shitty i know BUT the dishwasher gets a back rub in this group and trust me, that makes one LINGER over the freaking dishes if you can imagine that!

i know!  it really is that good a back rub!

and then?  after all that?

we laid around on my bed and dozed and chatted and played cards.

sheer, unadulterated bliss i tell you… it just doesn’t get any better than that.

an honest to god

no foolin’

the universe didn’t take it back

DAY OFF!

i mean i was so blissed out that i almost didn’t call my one client back when he left me a ‘did we have an appointment tomorrow?’ voicemail!

heck the only reason i did call him back was because i needed the money!

i literally feel like i had a vacation, and while i see that in exchange for working funny hours i get funny times off that allow me to go out for lunch/brunch whenever i want?  and while i see that that somehow entails working every day?

it’s been made clear to me that i desperately need a real day off!

it’s kind of a sad testament to my life in the winter that i feel like i had a vacation after thirty-nine hours without work isn’t it?

yeah, yeah it is…

but man, if your life isn’t as crazy as mine you’ll never understand just why yesterday was so damm good!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh bliss  :)

May 16, 2007

boing

Filed under: blogging,dating,internet,life,men,random — sassinak @ 9:39 am

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i think my blog is kind of starting to suck. maybe not suck exactly but i’ve been looking at my recent posts and very few of them are thought provoking the way they once were. i think there’s something about blogs whether adult, regular or niche that causes any blogger to start out like gangbusters and then sort of fade out.

does it mean that they stop writing in their blogs? not always.

it just means that most of us have been saving up a lot of thoughts over the years so at first it’s easy to come up with fresh and new things to talk about. cut to two years later and it becomes significantly more difficult.

i’ve actually said things like “wait didn’t i write this post already?” and sometimes i really did.

especially the hillside ones *snerk*

i suppose one could argue that my perspective is evolving constantly but that feels a little bit like a copout.

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and i got a freaking parking ticket :(

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man sometimes i REALLY wish i didn’t have a ‘no deleting posted blog entries’ rule…

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incidentally? i realise i’m totally full of it when i say i would dump my blog if i had a man. it’s more that i probably never would have started one.

would it change? yes absolutely, it would have to… but y’all are stuck with me now.

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so, what does a stale blogger do when there aren’t any new memes floating around the blogverse?

and yes it’s clear that i’m stale, the posting frequency over there in the margin is obvious.

so, no new memes, no pics to post that othercat hasn’t posted already… go see them… okay i’ll post one…

harriet n’ grendel with audience

actually come to think of it i have a camera full of shots to upload… okay pics coming soon…

the good news is that in the writing of this post i thought of a couple more. in fact lately i’ve been discussing dating with a few different men my age and you want to know something freaky? they’re just as messed up as i am!!! so that post is coming and i wrote one the other day that’s depressing so i wanted to wait until i’d posted something cheerier first.

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i have a coffee date… you may now all act like teenagers

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one tree hill got renewed, watch me act like a teenager ;>

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i’m going to get my BICYCLE!!!!

yes, after five freaking years i’m finally going to ride bikes again…

i can’t tell you how stoked i am!

[edited to add: i haven’t been able to ride because i’ve been recovering from my sixth or something whiplash incident and my shoulders couldn’t take the weight of myself using handlebars]

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*grin*

happy wednesday!

May 11, 2007

grand gesture

Filed under: blogging,internet,life,socioanthropology — sassinak @ 1:44 pm

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so i just got another one of those emails. you know the ones… they talk about the blogverse and how it’s not healthy and how they were looking for something that they realise is there in their lives already and how they’re ‘checking out for good’ and we should too.

and i get it, i really do.

there’s this need to make some grand parting gesture before you exit stage left and never come back. i’m not sure anyone can top bubblegum meltdown’s RIP where everyone was wondering if emma was dead but nevertheless.

there is one thing that i don’t get.

why does the grand gesture always have to be an email telling us that the escape is no longer necessary and why does it always feel like they’re judging my choices with every word?

i don’t have a wife or a husband or a kid at home to fill my life with, trust that if i did this blog would not exist. in fact this blog for me is the thing i use as a man substitute in a lot of ways.

i come home from a long day and i’m tired and frustrated and bad things have happened or i’m elated and giddy and great things have happened or something is going on that gets me thinking and i’ll look around my house and realise that i have three choices.

i can tell the tale to my cats

i can tell the tale to a random friend on the phone

i can tell my blog.

don’t misunderstand, i know that i could eat it as well, distract myself with drinks or dancing or going out but you see i’m poverty struck and look to be staying that way and every social event that happens with my friends somehow ends up costing money that i don’t have.

yes, even the free ones.

i often take my woes climbing and throw them at a wall and trust me, that’s going to be happening a lot in the next while which is kind of nice since i got a little porky over the winter but it’s not a substitute for working out your thoughts with another human being who loves you.

and the thing that all these check out for good people have in common?

almost invariably they’re coupled and their blog is a secret from their partner. often their coupled status is a secret from their blog. and maybe they need that, that feeling of belonging to a group other than their family for a while but inevitably they return to their little niche.

[or the marriage splits up and either way they usually stop blogging]

but why do they have to finish with some grand finale gesture that’s designed to make the rest of us feel bad for needing this community?

and why do they always have to add in ‘don’t bother replying as this email address will no longer exist’?

I find that a little mean actually.

hey all you people that have been my friends for a long time. people who have supported me and asked about my traumas and otherwise just generally been there for me at all times?

yeah you guys… youse guys that were here before me and will be here after i leave… you welcomed me with open arms and i leave you with a grand ‘see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!’ and then delete my email address so you can’t even wish me good luck or fuck you or goodbye or something.

and people say they don’t like drama.

*laughs ruefully*

[edited to add: sterling examples of how to leave the blogverse nicely or at least without insulting the rest of us: elle or dodger]

May 8, 2007

sass dot ™

Filed under: blogging,dating,facebook,food,hockey,life,men,pilates,random,singlehood,tv — sassinak @ 10:58 pm

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my clients crack me up you know?

they actually say things like “please don’t be mad” or “don’t kill me” when they’re cencelling appointments… and i’m NEVER mad.

i think they’re actually asking their bodies for forgiveness because they know that pilates is so good for them and they feel guilty for not doing it.

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i have been cleared to climb as my ankle wishes.

freaking physiotherapist, how does she know that i’ll be MORE restrained and not less if i’m left to my own devices?

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i’ve been asked on a date but i can’t decide if i care to go…

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speaking of dates, what’s up with these guys who chase you and then don’t want you?

i mean, true story here, i joined facebook a while back (sooo addictive) and this guy i used to work with sends me a friend request and then when i accept he asks me for beer to catch up. [not the same as the man asking me on a date by the way]

i say sure and after we dicker over dates he suggests a rather date-y place and i’m kinda surprised but go along and then a couple of days before he emails me and tells me that some family shit came up and can we do it next weekend. i answer with sure, here are my dates.

(this was thursday and we were supposed to meet on friday) so he emails me TODAY to say ‘oh sorry i’m away this weekend how’s next weekend if you’re still up for it?’

and you know what? i’m not.

if you can’t be fucked to check your schedule before you say things like ‘next week’ or say ‘except for the weekend i’m away’ and then you can’t be fucked to email me for FIVE days even though you were almost certainly at work all day thursday since that’s where you were at the time you blew me off in the first place?

i mean why the fuck bother?

i didn’t friend him, i didn’t email him, i didn’t ask him for beer, i didn’t get datelike about beer i just said ‘sure’ and discussed my availability.

you knew a week ago if you actually wanted to come out with me so why waste my time?

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i’m aware that he never uttered the word date but i had shane vet the emails and she said it sure sounded datelike to her…

it was at least an evening with potential.

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fortunately i immediately called my this week’s plans and said ‘hey my shit fell through’ and went out for a great dinner and chat that i think was actually better than that beer would have been.

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i just watched the penultimate episode of gilmore girls and i’m totally despondent sort of.

it’s not the first show that i’ve watched from the first to the last episode (buffy [okay fine i started at episode four and caught the first three in reruns that summer], angel, one tree hill but i’m still about three episodes behind, many short lived series on fox, house so far although they almost lost me at the beginning of this season, bones but i did it on dvd and download and battlestar galactica was done the same way and um… that may be it not including things that are new this year.)

i know for sure that it won’t be the last show i do that with.

it’s just. it’s gilmore girls. it was smart and funny and even the worst episode was better than anything else on tv, moreso after buffy was gone, and i loved them. i love those girls.

hell, i cried a little when rory graduated too.

somehow, in a way that wasn’t true of other television, those women were my friends.

i’ll miss them… i hope the finale is worthy.

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shane is moving to vancouver in less than a month.

i’m a going to miss her a lot.

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how weird is it that first and second are playing in the west and first and third in the east? [hockey, conference finals, precursor to stanly cup games]

i’ve never seen the top seeds do so well, it’s always like eighth playing third or something not this.

yes, i know ottawa is fourth but the team that was third won their group not the points race.

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what? i’m allowed to disagree with the nhl if i want to.

this automatic first through third seeding for the division leaders is lame and i know i’m not the only one who hates it because even sundin complained about it.

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bye lorelei, i’ll miss you so.

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my parents will be here in a month!

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mmm cheese on toast!

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lividviv will you be mad if i throw myself a birthday party the week after your wedding?

… hrm how to pay for it after a wedding

… note to self, rethink plan.

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why is it that any post, no matter how meticulously checked, will have to be edited again after it’s posted?

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night, i have to teach way too early.

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