a bunch of things have happened around me again and as usual i’m reeling for no real reason.
(okay one of my clients is quitting which sucks. and it’s right at the beginning of summer which is my slow time which sucks more. plus i’m the maid of honour in my sister’s wedding which will be SOOO awesome but expensive and i have to pay my instructor liability insurance annually and it’s due and three people went on vacation and…)
someone is falling in love
someone has disappointed me enormously
someone is pregnant
someone is getting married
someone is getting their nose touched up
someone is moving across the country
someone is making me wait an hour for dinner and it’s after ten at night
someone is splitting up
someone is feeling better
someone is heartbroken
someone has a new baby and is a glowing mom
and so on…
and today when i went for lunch with an old friend and i hung out with her and her son and she talked about the time, before she had a baby, when she thought she couldn’t. when she had been visiting with a family and it was so hard to be there because it was something she didn’t think she would have.
and then she did.
she was also the first person ever not to tell me i had lots of time when i expressed regret at my childless state and at the fact that it was likely that it would stay that way. so i thanked her of course.
i mean she’s the first person who hasn’t tried to placate me by saying “don’t worry dear, you have lots of time” and i SO appreciated that.
i mean so much.
you can’t imagine how much…
anyway she nodded and smiled that sad smile and said okay. she said she knew exactly what i meant and that at thirty you had to get a move on. it was time to get the motor on and get going. it’s just that i don’t seem to have a motor to get on.
oh man that was such a bad sexual innuendo that i’m leaving it in there.
and all around me i see people and clients in various stages of barely pregnant to full on parenting mode and it’s starting to get really hard [which is probably why the pregnant ones thank me for ‘honoring their condition.’ *wry smile*] i find that suddenly i am starting to sympathise with single women who abandon their friends once those friends start breeding and having husbands.
or those friends abandon us.
it’s just so hard to see something so fundamental pass you by and not even really have a choice about it. you think you have all this time and then *poof* like magic it’s gone.
and i found myself, today, hit by a stab of such profound mourning that i was astonished.
there’s no way i could do this alone, there’s no unemployment insurance or maternity leave for me, i’m self employed after all. right now i have less than a hundred dollars in the bank, ask me how i can pay for a kid.
i nearly beat on the lady who said ‘there’s always a way’ and i’m looking at her and her family and her husband and thinking ‘yes, yes there is… but it’s harder when you’re alone and self-employed.’
my sister says that people don’t know what to say so they try to be comforting.
i think that’s like allowing your friends to maintain their fantasy lives rather than telling them the truth. it’s easy but it doesn’t make it the right thing to do.
stab of mourning.
i couldn’t believe it. i met my own eyes in the mirror and i couldn’t bear the grief in them.
i just never knew that it was going to hurt this much. i keep thinking that i’ve let it go, that i’ve moved on, that i’ve passed my grief to the universe and then *wham*
fucking left fields.