snapshots of an idle mind

August 31, 2005

5 things that are objectionable

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:23 am

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a few weeks ago when the ‘flag this blog’ option appeared in the navbar bubbles was the first to point it out. In response she posted 5 things she finds objectionable and challenged us to do the same. I didn’t have much to say then so I stuck it in a corner for a night when what I wanted to blog about wasn’t something I could really say.

which is happening a lot lately. conclusive arguments have been made for the starting of another blog but i have another idea. i think i will write the posts and stick them in a corner and then post them at a time when whatever it is is SO irrelevant that noone will have a fucking clue what it’s about. I mean my posts aren’t really time related anyway.

currently i’m typing two posts at once and editing my okcupid profile as directed by several friends. apparently my cheery nature is hidden by the cynical nature of my wordage. whatever. anyway what’s funny about this is that i can barely move my freaking fingers [so of course i think i’ll go climbing tomorrow {riiiiiight} somewhere in between a job interview, teaching a class and a bb king concert when all the while I can’t use my arms! I crack myself up.

Also? SO STOKED about BB KING! What a fucking fantastic birthday present othercat came up with this year! I yearn to approach playing drums the way bb plays guitar.
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okay 5 objectionable things

1) cops who don’t follow the traffic laws while driving. especially irritating are lane changes without signals and tailgaiting. (tailgating?)

2) neglect or harm toward children or animals.

3) men who will work for weeks to get a woman into bed and then drop her like a hot potato the next morning. what did i do to deserve that i ask you? [note this was years ago… ]{and it was some damm good sex too which made it even weirder}

4) shouting your opinion more and more loudly so you don’t have to listen to someone who may actually know something about it.

5) boys on matchmaking sites that send ‘hello’ emails and then expect me to do all the work. Uh dude… you messaged me!

every one bubblelicious said in her post that’s linked from the title although my inner environmentalist is secretly delighted at gas prices. also almost every one that was mentioned in the comments on her post… and one more just because:

6) playing that night vision video of those people being shot and the bullet tracers and *shudder* in iraq over and over during a stanley cup hockey game that kids were CLEARLY going to be watching. *I* was horrified and traumatised. I should be allowed to CHOOSE what kind of violence I expose myself to dammit! More than that I should get a choice when my kids are involved!!

Okay I know I don’t have any kids but there were kids watching that hockey game in the same cafe i was in and I was offended on their behalf as much as mine.
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That’s pretty much it for objections and my day. As for tag… hrm..

I tag (always) othercat and castufari and this week I also tag light strikes a deal, natalia and dzer! :)

August 30, 2005

ow two

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:29 am

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seriously two days in a row.

you know those little muscles that move your fingers when you type? Oh, you don’t? Try climbing two days running and then I bet for sure you’ll know them intimately. In fact right this second they’re really not enjoying the letter y. Not at all.

Okay I don’t want to bore you guys with climbing all the time it’s just that I haven’t done fuck all lately except climb. Which tends to happen to me when I’m allowed to go climbing. In fact I’m boring everyone I know.

I bored othercat so much that he finally gave in and came climbing with us! Not to mention that I think he liked it. It would be awesome if he did because then my circle of belayers would grow. Hopefully he can convince hot doctor dude to go with him and then my circle grows again.

The nice thing is that i’m firmly entering the inner circle at the gym. Translation? I show up a lot and am therefore worth bothering to talk to. This helps immeasurably when you’re trying to figure shit out and you could really use some advice.

Here’s the thing, I bore people I know a lot. I’ll find something new and fascinating and dive right into it until I grok it and in the meantime that will be the overwhelming majority of my conversational topics.

Ask othercat about when I started drumming regularly (after years of occasionally hitting a drum at festivals) or *shudder* ask him about Pilates. I’m amazed he’s still speaking to me after all the rhapsodizing I did. In fact I’m STILL doing it. Eventually he started taking Pilates lessons himself in self defence.

Someone once told me that I have this tendency of diving into something whole hog and then getting sick of it and dropping it. And at the time I accepted this statement as true. But what I’ve begun to realise is that I only drop shit when it gets boring.

My sister rescued my from this dilemma by reminding me that life is about trying things and that we don’t keep every piece of clothing we try on. I’m blessed with such wise people in my life.

So I’m coming to realise that life is sort of like a series of attempts at things. I tried climbing and I love it, I tried fixing my own car and I didn’t love it, I tried Pilates and my life changed forever, I tried casual sex and felt icky and so on. Still and all, to not bore my friends would be nice.
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Incidentally I wish I could tell my hit counter to ignore my own IP address.
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Fuck, it’s past bedtime again… my eyes are closing and I bet they look like (as mom would say) two pissholes in the snow.

August 29, 2005

ow

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:39 am

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damm bouldering problem. i can’t be upset because i get farther in this set of three problems that i’m working on every time i go to the gym but dammit. don’t i get to have a breakthrough day? And not the kind where i’m missing skin on the top of my palm because i didn’t do proper callus maintenance.

callus maintenance. yeah. in case you’re wondering (which i so know you aren’t) you’re supposed to get a pumice stone and file at your calluses in the shower or after the shower or some crap like that. yeah, if i had time to GET the pumice stone.

anyway there are these problems and they’re only V0 and V1 but they’re upside down and shit. so they’re really good for working on certain kinds of movement that really do involve your whole body but it’s freaking hard. and i’m so smart i’m doing routes tomorrow night with othercat and hubris and i have a bald spot on my palm (better to do routes than boulder with that kind of shit anyway). is it wrong to hit the climbing gym two days running?

bored yet?
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i almost offered to post my hallowe’en picture for dzer but hubris informed me it doesn’t do it for him so i’m feeling all traumatised about it now.
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i’m feeling really betrayed by the cbc lockout. like i’m heartsick and i want to cry when i think about it. i hate it when the cbc is broken anyway but this time feels different. apparently they might not even get hockey. i can’t imagine hockey night in canada not being on on saturday night. like can’t imagine.
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i have been informed that i am intimidatingly intelligent. this is not something i want to be. i don’t want to scare people with my brain. impress them maybe, fence for sure but intimidate? that’s kind of… damm.
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i have NOTHING to blog about today dudes. like nothing. my nice girls post was clearly it for the weekend.
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i’ve basically gotten lost in a bouldering problem and i can’t pull my brain out of it.
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went for brunch with princess valium today. it was funny because we communicated like the old friends we are but there was so much news neither of us had. I think that if we’re careful about time spent around each other we should be able to hang out once in a while. according to her i should get used to being told i’m intimidatinly intelligent. hrmph.

apparently climber guy is messaging her and asking her who he asked to lie to her. seriously you don’t think women talk? dude did you GO to high school? he knows we used to be excellent friends.

is it wrong that i’m a bit offended he didn’t try harder with me? not because i want him you understand… just. yeah, girls are dumb.
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a friend of mine is getting divorced and i don’t know what to say to him. i don’t know what to say because i firmly believe this to be a good thing for him. he’s been miserable for a little while and vaguely unsatisfied for a lot longer. i’m sad that he’s having a hard time i really am but i think in the long run he will be a far more complete person minus his former wife. this makes it extraordinarily difficult to know what to say to him.
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i can’t believe how tired i am.

August 28, 2005

nice girls

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:14 am

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I have this weird conundrum. I’m a nice girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl. So I get propositioned by some very icky people who should really be keeping their bits where they belong and sort of left alone by the nice boys. I don’t really get it, it’s not like I walk around wearing a skirt that comes down to the base of my butt while wearing 5 inch platform boots.

Shut up hallowe’en doesn’t count! And yes, there’s pictures.

Yes… I’m a tease.

Onward.

So anyway, because I read a lot of books and a lot of blogs and because I’m open minded and live in the downtown core of a city and because I’m in the heart of the gaybourhood I have a damn good idea of all of the possible lifestyles in the world. I’m even aware that I haven’t heard of all of them yet.

I read robert heinlein as a teenager… I even believe this shit is possible. And yet.

I am resolutely a nice girl. I tried that whole sex as recreation thing in my early 20s. And then one day I realised that I felt icky in the morning when I did that sort of thing. Yeah… icky. This was actually really weird for me. I really believe that it’s okay to treat sex as a recreational sport I really do. I just can’t do it.

The thing is that I wonder sometimes. I try to remember when I was a starting out in the world of sexcapades and I’m not sure I felt icky in the morning back then. I know that I had a couple of less than wonderful experiences and I recall the moment I discovered the difference between having sex and making love but I don’t really know when it stopped feeling like innocent fun.

At some point I started to feel like I wasn’t respecting myself if I just dived into bed with a stranger for the sake of a boink. In fact recently I was heard to type ‘don’t you wish you could stick your scruples on a shelf for an hour?’ and I meant it. I’m not incapable of casual sex, I know this because I’ve done it. I’m not incapable of playing with more than one person (and yes, it is fun) I just don’t feel good about myself.

So here’s what I want to know. Where did this fucking programming come from? I grew up in the middle of the sexual revolution. I read books about sex and polyamory. I rationally decided that a family like the longs in heinleins later books would work… but my body rejected it.

Recently my body has also rejected cheese/dairy and it’s zeroing in on grease and meat. (Noooo! I don’t WANT to be a vegetarian… i just want to pretend meat grows on trees)

Over the years I’ve learned that if my body wants something it wants it. I’ve also learned that if it doesn’t I’m not going to feel good if I force the issue. The body? She wins.

But I’m not sure this icky feeling comes from my body. I think it comes from my other brain, the one in my heart and head. Or maybe my soul? I’m pretty sure that if I had tossed my body at the climber or the fitness model it would have been as happy as a cat in heat in a room full of toms. At least I think so… but I’m also thinking I would have felt that I had done something not nice to myself.

A lovely man that I volunteered with at summerfolk told me to make sure to take my time (I was complaining about not having had the chance to try out my pelvic floor since I got some control over it [he’s a tai chi teacher… he knew what i meant]) when I decided to climb into bed with someone and I was already inclined to agree with him. It’s nice to remember that someone I quite respect who is also older than I am is encouraging similar decisions.

What’s the rush right? It’s just some days to have a libido and a lifestyle like everything nice sounds damm fine to me. Droughts have wonderful tempering effects on your *self* but they’re hard on the libido!

this feels unfinished but as usual i have sleep issues and teaching in the morning.

August 27, 2005

titles suck

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 2:03 am

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So i can’t really feel my fingers right now because I was working on some bouldering problems at the climbing gym and I am here to tell you that those are way harder on your hands than routes. This makes typing damm interesting (also I eschew the spell check so I actually have to use the BACKSPACE button and it’s way up there and my pinky is tired!) There was a couple of really nice guys and this cute little girl doing stuff too (also hubris) so the guys (who were really good [I see it’s round bracket day]) were giving us advice and she and i were working on stuff together.

I passed her my favourite stuff to work on and then we played in the cave a little. It was cool to just work on stuff with someone who isn’t that good at things. I’ve developped a theory for bouldering in the cave [the fairly upside down portion of the first bouldering area at my gym] and it goes like this. Who gives a shit if your back is on the floor if you’re figuring the moves out?

Ah-ha see? Only a female would consider that legitimate!

Or is that my misogy.. what the hell is it when i woman is being a misogynist about men? Hrm. Rogets.com… okay that didn’t work, misandrist. hunh i keep forgetting that word.

Okay anyway is that just me assuming things? Because it seems like a peculiarly female attitude in a culture where campusing (doing a route/problem with your hands and no feet) or doing pyramids is de rigeur. (pyramids you ask? get a belay slave [seriously people wikipedia!] and then go up and belay down and up and belay down 1,2,3,2,1 times on a route with 20 seconds rest between 1/2/3/2/1 {yeah nasty huh?}) I can’t comment on laps because I do them myself. Pyramids maybe maybe maybe.

Okay the point is I can’t see any of the guys I know being willing to lie on the floor and practise the move and assume that’s good enough to start. I feel like most of them would muscle through it just because they could. It’s just that I can’t and most girls can’t.

Anyway there was large falling and much fun and some damm fine traversing. I haven’t actually yakked about climbing in a while, didn’t want y’all to think I quit or something.
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shit it’s three in the morning.
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i had an 8 hour lunch date today. Hah bubblelicious get your brain back here! Put that thing on a leash girl!

Anyway toronto was looking particularly fine today so we took full advantage and went walking. Incidentally picked up the recovering smashingly from being spayed kitten at the vet. She still won’t tell me her name but I bet she stops peeing in my underwear. [ps if you have the laser option with pet surgery then take it… she’s bouncing around like 8 hours out of surgery and doesn’t even know she had it!]
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Off to rugby tomorrow. I have no freaking idea what the rules are or anything. I just know it’s the championship and my friend is in it.
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Okay off to read bubbles’ latest adventure and take my underslept ass and get it some sleep!

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August 26, 2005

oh oh

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:13 am

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no, really oh oh.

I’ve noticed a tendency in myself at previous points in my life that, when things are going well, I sort of forget what it feels like when they’re bad. In fact sometimes I even get this vaguely superior thing going.

Why does this concern me? Well it seems that this recent spate of compliments has sent me a little over the edge in the confidence department. Seriously having so many people that you lose count tell you you’re an awesome dancer is sort of guaranteed to go to a girl’s head.

Then there’s this whole ‘you’re an inspiration’ thingy that’s been happening lately. I’ve noticed that with each statement like that my nose fills ever so slightly more with helium. Like seriously I’m actually starting to piss myself off.

And of course as usual I’ve been musing about this. How do you get good at something, even excel at it (my goal with pilates for example) and have people tell you you’re wonderful and accept that praise or thanks by saying (weird I know) ‘thank you’ and not get high on yourself in the meantime? I know that it’s possible because DJ (one of the goddesses that I learn from) reacts with such a wonderful blush and an awe shucks and yet somehow lets you know that she treasures these words from you. And you know it’s not the first compliment she’s heard in her eleventh or something year of teaching.

So how do you do it? How do you say thanks and aw shucks and not let it go to your head? And don’t for a second think that the thanks aren’t crucial. When someone says to you ‘i feel like you’re teaching a private lesson just for me and i can’t tell you about how my back is feeling because I’m afraid I’ll jinx it’ and the class averages 20 people you absolutely have to say something to acknowledge the gift this person has just given you. I know for sure that when I thank DJ I need to know that she’s heard me.

I tend to do the aw shucks/delighted smile thing and thank people genuinely… but that’s for them, what do I tell my own self? How do I accept these wonderful statements, realise that they are about me and not get high on myself?

It doesn’t help that lately people are telling me how good I’ve been looking these days. At least up until last week I still had ‘yeah but you’re chubby’ to get the nose back down to recognizeable levels.

I can see it now ‘hey ok cupid guy… check out my oh so superior nostrils! Aren’t they pretty with their lovely italian flair? Admire the little bump where my nose ring goes… Oh you can’t see it? Let me just stick my nose a little higher!’

*sigh*

I wish I was kidding. I also wish that being aware of my tendency to feel superior made it go away. Although superior isn’t really the right word. It’s more that I almost get impatient with people who are having a bad time of it. Like ‘can’t you see that if you just think positive it will all get better?’ Implicit in this is the idea that *I* always think positive and never have a single negative day.

Uh yeah… do you read your own blog dude?

So where does confidence stop and cocky start? How do you believe in yourself and walk tall without walking on a helium bubble? Is it just that you have to wait for the Universe to toss you on your ass *again* so you get the humility/patience lesson *again* or is there a way to do it inside yourself? To stay humble and yet accepting of the great things that are happening around you?
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Incidentally solace gets better every time I listen to it.
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Tomorrow is a hella day. Get up, teach, run to a job interview thingy, run home, mop the front lobby, change, run out on date thingy and then who knows? I have possibilities but nothing firm, sort of like my weekend. It’s actually been a long time since I didn’t have plans for the weekend, summer must be ending. Not having plans *snerk* saturday at noon: rugby spectating, saturday evening: dinner with clarity and lorax, sunday morning: teach, maybe sunday brunch depending on how things shake down… {yeah that sounds like no plans to me!!!} I guess it’s a testament to how busy my usual weekend is?

I’m all stoked about interview/date combination… I think they will do a lovely job of distracting me from each other. It’s a great way to break a loop…
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Kitten is getting spayed in the morning… I’ve never been afraid of cat surgery before…
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Shit, down to 7 hours sleep. Stoopid addictive blog!

Nighters!

August 25, 2005

oops forgot

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 3:09 pm

cbc worker and her perspective on the lockout here.

shit damn this cbc lockout thing is pissing me off!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:18 am

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there’s this thing happening with the canadian broadcasting corporation. the workers are locked out and it seems there’s money at stake. I don’t really know what’s going on because the CBC is my news source and all they keep saying is ‘due to an ongoing labour dispute blah blah blah’ and i’m SAD. I hate when the CBC is broken, it makes me want to cry a little inside because it’s my friend wherever I am and it’s broken.

There was one CBC strike that was awesome though. The french broadcasting guys went on strike (like the people who call the sports) so they were broadcasting hockey with only arena noise. Man. Dudes I can’t even tell you how awesome it was. I have a decent TV that I inherited from my dad so we turned it up and were at the game. It was actually better without the commentary. I was there.

This is different. There’s lame repeats and bbs broadcasts and some really strange music choices. I’m actually tempted to volunteer as a DJ because I’ve at least heard of cuba and africa and quebec.

Anyway I’m really sad and I hope that people will shout at the government. This is NOT a strike people it’s a lockout.
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Also the car radio has nothing to play and I don’t have time to make some new tapes. Fuck.
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Okay onward.
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I found my desk today, it’s cute and white and looks so much better without 700 pieces of unsorted paper on it.
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I’m sorta sad how the thing with climber guy went down, i think it would have been nice to have more people to climb with.
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I want to go to a rugby game a lady i know is playing in and noone else wants to come. it’s the championship. these girls are good. i’m going anyway, but it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. Well other than a rugby team full of women and their friends at their end of season party. Unfortunately I a) drive and b) have dinner plans with friends saturday night and c) teach on sunday morning.
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May get another club for like three classes a week. Talking to the lady on Friday. Dear Universe, please I really need some more cash in my life I really do.
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I don’t really have anything else to say and I’m sleepy. I’m sure this is bad for my ongoing comment addiction but I’m going to just have to suck it up and write something more interesting tomorrow.

August 24, 2005

ACK!

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 12:41 am

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Oh man! Oh man!

Okay, I know I promised that I wouldn’t turn this into a dating blog and everything but holy crap! In case you missed the text of my email to climber guy it’s in the comments from the last post. Lots easier to find now that I killed all the anonymous bullshit! And frankly if you don’t read the last post this one will make a lot less sense.

So I sent him my little ‘hey dude i’m interested in someone else’ email and i think it was EXACTLY the right thing to do *if* I wanted him to get more interested in me. I feel a bit bamboozled because really who could have seen it coming? Except in retrospect it’s kind of obvious. PV is into the guy and telling him that she won’t date a guy who is also dating me. I’m saying ‘i don’t give a fuck, do what you want and by the way i’m just not that into you.’ So of COURSE he wants me more.

You would think that in 34 years I would have figured out and remembered that one cardinal rule with most guys. Never show them you’re interested because then they aren’t. (although i think this is only true of the players and the less than sane ones… the sane ones seem to like women who go after what they want) See that rule has an obvious corollary right? The best way to get a guy to notice you is to tell him you aren’t interested in HIM!

uh yeah… oops?

So of course he’s all but but but and I’m trying to let him down easy and not give away the game for PV and he just keeps making these really inappropriate sexual comments so i called him on it. He decided he was kidding. Anyway he starts teasing me about being a hussy for dating two guys at once and I was all ‘in my defence the lead time is really long but i do feel mildly hussyish’ and he asked me if the reason i didn’t go further on our date was because of this other guy.

Now I grok that I haven’t been on a date in like 4 years (two of them i was in a relationship mind you) but since when do people fuck people on a first date? And even more since when do you fuck someone you met on an ONLINE DATING SITE on a first date? What I’m not supposed to have self respect?

And so I said that actually I’m a slowpoke (no pun intended honest!)[snerk!] and he didn’t say another word. So silly me I figure that’s the last of him.

But no, he pops up on the little IM thingy hours later and we chat for a while (what he’s still hot and fun to chat with and it’s not like the little british accent is bad either… :) and he was all asking me over for dinner and stuff which i sorta put off answering and which was really weird considering. Anyway finally he actually tells me that I’ll have to keep it a secret from PV that we’re hanging out! So I said ‘yeah no i don’t think so’ and he goes ‘k’ and disappears!

Is it just me or is this shit weird? Even if he’s a player it’s weird. And he’s sulking cause i’m hot and i climb and i’m not into him and he’s awesome [as othercat would say ‘a legend in your own lunchtime]. it’s tres tres weird.

God I really hope he doesn’t read this blog! *laughing my ass off* Can you imagine the trauma that would cause?
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In other news I just finished August 2004 of Salam Pax’ new baghdad blog and damm. That is one scary mother fucking place… and I am here to tell you that if you for a second aren’t grateful to your decadent western lifestyle you just go and read his blog (or his book even better!)
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August 23, 2005

astronomical odds

Filed under: Uncategorized — sassinak @ 1:47 am

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so the fucking weirdest thing ever just happened. No really.

You may recall climber guy that i went out with last week? If you don’t go read some history and come back. Don’t worry, I’ll wait. All caught up now? Okay let’s go.

So I went on a date with this guy last week and I was pretty much convinced that he wasn’t going to call me. Which he didn’t actually, he sent me an email. So it turns out that he is actually meeting up with someone else from this okcupid site (sound familiar? yeah me too :) So he went on a date with her and yeah it’s my old friend Princess Valium.

What are the fucking odds? No seriously? The guy picks two chicks out of the okcupid herd and it’s me and my former very good friend PV [she’s the only woman that I KNOW on that site as it is]. Like weirdness. I still don’t care you understand, I just think it’s funny as fuck. Anyway I gave her a call and it turns out that she likes him a little so i’m going to do the gracious backing off thing because I truly don’t give a fuck. It was a nice date, he has a nice body on a climbing wall, the little accent is hot as hell but there is a vague sense of worry coming from the fact that he really likes to call you on habits he considers not healthy… and that’s kind of cool but at the same time I can see myself wanting to kill him for that fairly quickly. If I thought for a second that a real spark was there this would be a lot tougher.

Cool result? She and i are going to carefully not hang out full time but will meet up for drinks and fun on occasion while watching our personal mental wellness meters. Cool huh?

Speaking of okcupid… it was funny to hang out with someone who went to high school with okcupid guy and not say anything. I couldn’t really figure out what or how to say something. I mean like really ‘uh yeah site, so i asked out this guy that you’ve known since you were a kid but I’ve never met him [though i’m starting to wonder if we have and don’t know it]’ or… ‘so what was okcupid guy like in high school?’ or ‘did everyone at your high school speak french?’ (which I do also btw) etc. or… you know, badness.

So I didn’t say anything to site but i feel sorta strange. Like was it lying not to say something? This online thing is tres confusing.
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I note that Pavlo’s CD is improving with listening. I love music that does that.
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Okay that has to be enough talk of dating right? There must be something else to think about. I certainly didn’t mean to turn this into a *dating* blog! I know, I’ll answer email until I think of something else to rap about. :)
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See I knew that would work. I just saw myself type the words “There isn’t much to tell that I didn’t already write out in my blog.”

Uh yeah.

This is the one complaint I’ve seen about blogging that’s actually relevant. That people who blog expect their friends/family/loved ones/total strangers to read their blog for news rather than actually talking to them. I’ve only been blogging on a regular basis for a little while but I’m already guilty of this one. I’ve been heard to say to my sister ‘did you read my blog?’ so I know what gossip she is and isn’t up on.

Now this is my sister. Why am I expecting her to read my news on an anonymous website? Why do I think that she is eagerly logging in to my blog to read the details of my life when she can just call me and have a conversation with me?

That’s ridiculous right?

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