greetings

.

lately i’ve been thinking about trust and it’s applications among the intimates of a person’s life.

i’ve concluded that, at first,  most people either trust fully and wait to be betrayed, trust not at all and wait/ test before trusting or don’t trust at all.  personally, i’m more of the first category.

sometimes, like when someone has done me a nasty, i find myself wishing that i was the kind of person who didn’t live her life like an open book.  that i knew how to keep myself hidden away and protected rather than out there and open to anything.

but not for long.  i’ve just had so many wild and wonderful experiences that came nearly directly from my willingness to trust my instincts and the universe and the people around me.  yes i understand that this is ostrichlike behaviour.  no i don’t care to change it.

it gets harder to remember this when trust is betrayed at a later point in a relationship and real collateral damage ensues.

i recall the time a woman i had been friends with for several years and i had a falling out.  we were having a bad patch you know?  both of us in terrible life places and not taking care of each other properly.  anyway we got mad at each other and stopped calling.

our friends knew we weren’t hanging out and that we felt hard-done-by but that is all.  we didn’t really talk about each other or fight through our friends we simply ceased to hang out.

eventually, some guy on okcupid wanted to date us both at once and we reconnected with each other.  seriously, that’s what happened.  we are now fast friends again with really no harm done.

in fact maybe we’re better friends because we ‘broke up’ and ‘got back together.’

we’ve been really shitty to each other and we’re still friends; this adds a level of trust that wasn’t there before.  something about knowing we’ll come back you know?

the reason that we can still be friends is simple:

.we did not share each other’s secrets

.we did not say shitty things about each other to mutual friends

.we had told each other our grudges to our faces (or at least on the phone)

.we heard each other

.we genuinely like each other

.one of us actually told the other that it would be nice to hang out again

i’ve had friendships end in other ways, ones that involved significantly less pleasant behaviour.

i’ve had people announce my secrets to the world and others trash talk me to every single person we had in common and then wonder why i no longer felt that friendship was possible.

it’s simple really, i can’t trust someone who didn’t keep my secrets when they didn’t like me anymore.  especially if i kept theirs.

she and i? even though we weren’t friends anymore we had each other’s backs.  we would still have defended each other to others and been mildly offended if people were saying nasty things about one of us.

i think that that is somehow an essential truth, this having of someone’s back.

the idea that you won’t fuck with someone’s life regardless of how fucked your relationship with each other will get.  i stopped speaking to one of my exes for three years but all i ever said was that we had been cruel to each other and that i missed my friend.

okay i did some bitching too.

but never to *his* friends.  only to people who had barely met him if anything.  what i didn’t do was spread rumours and try to fuck up his life.

so i still trust him and i still trust her and i still trust a lot of people that i haven’t spoken with in years.

but those others?  the ones who have rendered themselves incapable of being trusted?

what do i do with them?

what do you do with someone you love but don’t trust?

how do you have them in your life.  how especially do you deal when they’re there and you have no choice but to have them around?

what do you do when you miss them but you don’t feel like you could ever have faith in them again?  like you can’t trust them with the truths in your heart because they won’t cherish them?

was the friendship always just imaginary?

trust… it’s a funny thing.

sticky fingers

.

i’m sorry that i haven’t been here.  i got some very bad news on october 24th in the afternoon and i basically couldn’t seem to figure out what to say or where to start.  my friend is dead.  that is all.

anyway i’ve been reeling and eating way too much (seriously i’m kinda like fattish again… or at least i’m developing some extra curves) food that doesn’t even taste good and i’ve been drinking a little more than i drink and basically just being in shock and not taking very good care of myself.

and i keep expecting that to improve.

like i’ll just be fine now since it’s been like a month and a whole menstrual cycle.

but i’m just kind of in this disconnected funk and i can’t really get out of it.

so i thought i would post this piece of a post started years ago with a few additions at the end and let my sticky fingers keep resting…

.

“things i know to be true”[read this first and then read this the continuation of the list here]

because this list should never end…

. life is supposed to hurt otherwise it’s worthless..

. if you have to ask how my date went, you already know

. it is unbelievable how refreshing a man is that admits that he likes you

. pilates is like crack for your body

. climbing makes pretty muscles

. i’m not fat anymore

. my new shirt is fantastic

. some people like drama more than they like the people in their lives

. i have a lot of email to answer

. my other new shirt is fantastic!

. i like this blog more than i like some of the people in my life

. i’m seeing someone

. yeah i didn’t see it coming either

. and since this post started last year i’m not anymore.

. and that status has changed and changed again still since.

. it’s hard when you like people more than they like you

. it’s harder when people like you more than you like them

. okay it’s a tie

. too much is worse than not enough

. or is it the other way around?

. i’m sort of in love with another cat [it was dumped at the farm, and it’s lovely and black and totally sweet if anyone wants a cat. should probably be an outdoor cat that’s welcome in the house but it may come in and never ever want out again. it tries to come in a lot.]{this is no longer relevant}

. lying is never easier, no never

. i will approach you with cautious but willing trust, sincerity and goodwill. i will expect the same in return and be sad when i do not get that, but i will try every time to stay willing and open

. some loves hit you over the head like a sack of hammers and leave you ever different

others come upon you slowly and steal into your heart when you’re not even looking

. guests who won’t leave after you tell them to are extra frustrating

. dating shouldn’t be work

. sex is an excellent aphrodisiac

. i need a source of cardio that doesn’t bore the shit out of me. any suggestions?

. i never want to go to bed at bedtime. i never have and i probably never will

. all of the truth isn’t always the truth you should tell

. any kind of love is fine, it’s your hate you gotta watch (margaret cho)

. one second of inattention can ruin your whole life

. making out with strangers is more fun than i care to admit

. if you don’t know what to do, ask your inner eight and eighty year olds. they’re smart, they know what you really want to do.

. in any long running dispute, both sides are equally at fault (inglis sign)

. it’s one thing for a guy to catch your eye. and quite another for them to catch your mind (terry – queen dork)

. it’s funny what you give up sometimes when you’re looking in another direction.

. it’s especially important to tell the truth when it’s hard

. once you lose truth the trust and caring needs must follow

. forgiveness is me giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me (anonymous)

. love is friendship set on fire (anonymous)

. rain on leaves and distant crickets is one of the most soothing sounds there is

. i’m sad but my life is still good

. sadness and depression are not the same thing.

it’s learning to tell the difference that’s hard

. my new boots are ridiculously gorgeous

. it’s rude to rsvp to a party and then not show up AND not call

. driving on a country road in the fall is one of the nicer ways on earth to spend an afternoon

. i wish people would stop assuming that their personal belief system around sex (or religion for that matter) is the ‘one true way’ and that everyone else is ‘wrong’

. pain is important for perspective (debauchette)

. shopping for sperm donors is a strange and surreal experience

. i have the best job i’ve ever had

. it’s time for my nap