spark

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spark…

what is it and how do you define it?

to start with allow me to explain that I am not talking about how to light a fire in the bush when it’s 30 below and windy. although I do know how to do that. nor am i discussing what happens when someone tosses a lit cigarette at a dry forest.

but you knew that.

no i’m wondering about that elusive je ne sais quoi that hits us unexpectedly. almost always unexpectedly. nearly never when or where we want it to.

now in my life i’ve had actual chemical reactions to very few people and i’ve had spark with a few others… and i wonder sometimes if you can’t impose it.

I recall a man a couple of men ago that i met in irc (internet relay chat… okay y’all can think of it as like a chatroom) and then very shortly afterward at work. (We met on the net and worked in the same place… not as wierd as it sounds, the auld internet nerd crew is small in any city and that’s the group i was in.) He arrived at my cubicle one day and stood there watching me work and smiling until I noticed him and I knew immediately that something would happen with him.

In the long run lac and I didn’t really suit each other… when things were tough he got clingy which irritated the shit out of me which made him clingier and yeah. badness. For the record you can’t imagine the level of clingy i’m talking about… sad dogs with hanging skin and drool issues come to mind.

The guy after him was totally different. We were friends for several months and then one day we started to sort of play with each other’s fingers and over the course of a short while we fell in love with each other. I’m not sure whether my accident killed a relationship that would have died anyway or not, it’s hard to say. I lean toward believing that it wouldn’t have died unless it was supposed to but damm that was an awfully brutal couple of years to put a baby relationship through.

But with tr (#2) there didn’t seem to be a spark at first. We hung out together constantly and got along great and wrote fantastic emails [no dude, fantastic] but both of us were convinced that a relationship between us would have been disastrous.

Perhaps we should have listened.

Still these are two very contrasting experiences. In both cases there was absolutely that certain something that just gets it to work for a while between two people. In both cases it turned out to be totally wrong for everyone involved and tr still hates me to this day.

He’ll tell you that he doesn’t but he’ll flee down the back stairs to avoid running into me at a mutual friend’s home. {serious… used the words ‘i must flee’ and ran off down the back stairs!!!}

So there you have it. Two totally different beginnings but both with one thing in common. Both had that certain something. One was just there and one developped (or was forced or was ignored at first?). This isn’t the only spark I mean though.

I recall one night in a bar many many moons ago I walked up to the pool table (in a great rock bitch outfit… big hair, tight black jeans and a hot pink body suit with laces in a strategic spot) and there was this man playing pool and it was electric. Like actual electric. I was thinking dirty thoughts, he was thinking dirty thoughts… I basically wanted to take him by a belt loop, drag him into an alley and do filthy things to him for about 48 hours and I really never cared if i knew his name.

I found out his name though… he was dating my friend AM at the time and she walked up as he started toying with the lace on my bodysuit and wondering what would happen if he tugged (nothing, those laces are not structural but it is a damm evil top for playing pool in… it has almost but never fall out *down*). Seriously I’m pretty sure both of us forgot that anyone else was even in the room. I’ve met those chemicals one other time… and damm it was FUN to do something about them.

That’s probably not the same thing as spark though… and interestingly both of those men were asses.

Now spark and chemistry at the same time? what do you think are the motherfucking odds?

I’m thinking they’re reasonably slim and I’m also thinking that the chemistry aspect of it is less important than the spark. That fascination with all things about another person.

The need to know them, smell them, talk to them, hear them, to know their laugh and the taste of their skin. That’s not the same as chemistry although I believe that it is chemistry in it’s own right… just different.

So there’s two factors maybe. Fascination and chemistry. One of which is a short term fire thing and one which can be short term but seems to have at least the potential to be turned into reality. I would say that fascination also has the potential to lead to awesome friendships.

In fact othercat and I remain fascinated by each other to this day (although we can bore each other to tears at this point too) and it looks good for us to remain fascinated for a good long time. So fascination doesn’t just mean someone to love in a romantic way. It can also herald the arrival of a lifelong friend. That’s another post though. [this post isn’t as interesting as i recall it but gets the point across and the comments are good]

With that kind of fascination there is a certain amount of hrm are we friends or are we more and I guess really the only way to tell which one it is is to figure out if you’re both feeling it. Of course then you have to decide what to do when only one of you does. To stay friends or to disappear forever. Interestingly both parties have to make that decision.

Still that doesn’t answer the original question. What is spark?

I don’t really know what it is, but I know what it isn’t.

I recall with tr that there was a moment when we started to touch each other. When our fingers started to dance with each other as we just sat on his couch and breathed and didn’t really speak. And my entire being was focused on the square centimetre of skin that was touching him or being touched by him. Like that was the only thing that was important in the Universe at that second. There are men that I’ve touched since then that I’ve had a similar response to and others where no, not so much.

And I’ve had full on sex with people where really my grocery list or counting ceiling tiles was more important.

So I don’t really know how to recognize spark. How to know when it’s worth pursuing and when you should drop it. When it’s worth trying despite the odds [like my friend denon who had an online relationship with an australian for a year and then she finally came over and they were married THREE weeks later and that was five years ago now… (hmm maybe six)].

So… back to the eternal question:

what the hell is spark?