greedy guts

i have, in my life, dated and friended people both generous and selfish.  in many ways you don’t notice the difference at first but you always do in the end.

i know some folks who truly believe that the world owes them something.  that they are entitled to some kind of free ride or something simply because they exist and consider themselves awesome.

and at first it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter at all that someone is generous or selfish because people are always on their best behaviour when they first make new friends.  so you don’t pay attention to or see the nickel and diming or the failure to give of themselves.

but then the relationship grows and you start to notice things. 

whether sexually or otherwise these people don’t share or maybe it’s that they don’t give.

it’s like the difference between people who like to give gifts and people who like to receive them.  personally i LOVE when i nail it with a gift; when i actually manage to surprise someone with something perfect whether it’s expensive or not.

and yet some folks prefer to count what they get.  to try to count what they give and what they get and think about whether the scales are balanced or what you owe them.

but what the counters don’t realise?  the crucial thing that they’re missing?

when you count you miss the fun part.  the part where you give without counting and receive with thanks and good grace.  where everyone gives what they will and tries to please the other without worrying about who owes what.

when people give without thinking, without worry as to the reward they make it easy to give in return.  so then what you have is a relationship between two people who take care of each other without regard to debt or payment or owing  and without demands.

and if everyone is generous with the people they love without thinking about a bill?  suddenly you have one of those magical lifelong friendships that nurture you when you’re down and hurting.

when you most need the world to take care of you someone actually might.

and if you do that with everyone in your life? 

give them the nice thoughts you think and the love you feel for them?

well then you have a circle around you to keep you glowing inside no matter what happns in your life.  people you love who love you back and care for you as you care for them.

there are some old proverbs out there that really do sum this up;

every thing you send out will come back to you three fold

and it harm none, do what thou wilt

do unto others as you would have them do unto you

say the nice things that you think and try to swallow the nasty ones

yes, that last one is mine. 

of course you have to be careful with your generous friends too.  it’s easy to get expectatious toward people who like to give of themselves and their things.

you can see how easy it might be right?

well you know … if he knew i wanted it he would make it happen right?  i mean what if i just drop a little hint?  what if i drop a big hint?hey why isn’t he getting the big fat hint that i’m dropping?  damn ungenerous bastard!

expectations, deadly things aren’t they?

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hi leanne

i was really sorry to hear about the fire at maitland street but i don’t seem to have your email address.  i assume that both you and faust are okay?

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i don’t seem to be blogging here much anymore, make sure to rss me instead of wasting time checking back…

i have a more adult blog, if you want to read it send me an email.

25 random details i posted on facebook

1. i can’t stop buying books; this was okay until i developed the
accompanying shoe fetish.

2. i am madly in love with my two cats: harriet and mouse. i am still
madly in love with their predecessors (athena and sappho) but it’s a
more mature and faded kind of love.

3. i am terrified of having a kid by myself… but far more terrified
of not doing it at all

4. i think a lot of these memes are lame but this one has been awesome
so far and i’ve really enjoyed reading them all.  i will, however,
fail to tag at least one person back.  furthermore, i think it’s possible i may have been tagged 25 times already on this one

5. i like myself a lot more since i started paying more attention to personal grooming

6. i really, really, really love my job; i just wish it had benefits
and steady pay

7. working in my living room is the best thing ever… and it sucks
because my space doesn’t belong to me alone

8. i’m trying to cook at home more but it’s really hard when good,
cheap, made by others food is *right* there

9. i love blogging but i’m doing it less often

10. i would like my next boyfriend to have a hot car/motorcycle… and
let me drive it

11. recently i bought a floor length skirt made of fleece. of course
i can now wear almost nothing else.

12. i try really hard to be the best person i can be but i still catch
myself thinking the nasty thoughts more often than i care to admit.

13. life really is what you make it. i know this and still i sit back
and miss so much of it…

14. i tried out for the canadian national swim team. it was,
unfortunately, one of the lousiest races i ever swam. ah well, i was
particularly young for my age at the time.

15. recently i was forced to toss my antique car (93) due to excessive
rust. said car corners like it’s on rails and got over 14km/L on the
highway (around 33+mpg) last summer. unfortunately the body is
totally rotten. so i have a new car BUT the guy who was supposed to
buy my old car for parts kinda bailed and i can’t seem to make myself
write the auto trader/craigslist ad.

even though i have a new car i can’t throw out my old one. it’s sad.
i’m sad, i expected it to last 2-5 more years.

16. someone kissed me recently.

17. i love my family more than anything… and they’re the hardest
people to be around sometimes. funny how that works isn’t it? the
more you love something the more it can get to you too. ah buttons.
ah family. ah loved ones. can’t live without them though, life
wouldn’t be worth living.

18. people in my family have no idea how often they are quoted by me
when i am asked for advice. it goes like “well, i have no experience
with this but my father/sister/mother/best friend/etc says: …”

19. i got played. i got played perfectly and i’m not even upset about it.

20. i want to buy a small but tall house that is within five minutes
of a downtown subway and then i want to put my studio in it.

21. i have a hard time saying no to people that i love. this is okay
except for when it breeds resentment. what’s not okay is the ones who
push me after i say no. saying no was hard, telling you to fuck off
for pushing? not so hard.

22. mostly i’m a shapeshifter. this is great except for dating where
it’s a problem. sooner or later real me reasserts herself. problem
with being a shapeshifter is that you often don’t realize that you’ve
done it until your real shape begins to reappear.

23. i eat carbs when i’m sad or depressed… and then it takes longer to recover because i also feel physically messed up by all the comfort carbs.

24. this (things i know to be true) is the best thing that i ever wrote… maybe :)

this (sticky fingers) is the followup
this (spark) is almost as good, or better

24a. i really want you to go read “things i know to be true” and maybe hang it on your fridge!

25. i was married once.

sweet sadness

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well, it’s official, i have a new car.

okay not entirely official as i don’t take delivery until this afternoon but you know what i mean.  it’s paid for (with some help) and the plates are off my old car and sitting in the windshield/back window.

i may have driven my old honda for the last time and i’m abjectly sad about it.

i understand that i will love my new car just as much and that i will be just as broken hearted when my mechanic says “it’s time, your car is dead” but that isn’t any consolation to me now.

there are a few reasons i’m unhappy about this transition, not the least of which is that i expected to get another five years about of my perfectly tuned, corners like a bmw, gets phenomenal mileage accord.  expected in vain because the body rotted out from under me with very little warning.

in fact i’m a little bit pissed off at my mechanic for not making me understand what was happening.  why was i fixing a rotten car?  why wasn’t i made to understand 3-5 years ago that i needed to spend some money on the body?

how was this a SURPRISE?

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there is something so *wrong* about throwing out something so perfectly tuned.  i know the body is rotten but the engine has another 200,000km in it EASY.

ah well, i think i found a guy who is going to find a solid body and use my parts to build a car… so at least he’s getting something out of it.

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so here i am all broken hearted right?

all sad about the passing of this beautiful machine…

and yet?

and yet there’s a little joy here.

i’m getting my very first NEW car!

not new to me, NEW.

as in no one but me has ever driven it (okay, on and off the truck and the broker is driving it to my house but you know what i’m saying) and i have to break in the engine.

as in i get to be the only person who cares for this car and i will know implicitly every bolt that gets changed and fluid that gets dirty and if it dies it will be entirely my responsibility.

it will be *mine* from the day it got sold until the day i sell it or my mechanic looks at me mournfully and says “it’s time, get a new car.”

and that’s cool right?

i should be excited to own my very first new car and i am… i mean i’m totally stoked and i am fully aware that i will fall madly in love with it in time… it’s just i’m having a hard time getting past the senseless waste of it’s predecessor.

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oh you wanna know what i got?

2008.5 mazda 3 sedan, five speed with no air… cause i like don’t like the air and the power anything…

i do like the ipod plug though… kind of an improvement over the tape deck

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in other news, what is with these idiots who get high performance cars in an automatic?

or worse, with a manual transmission and NO IDEA how to WORK IT???

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only thing worse?

porsche sport utility vehicle…

i mean really, isn’t that an oxymoron?

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oh wow oh wow oh wow

my car is almost here and the plates are off my accord…

god i’m sad for my accord.

man i’m excited about my very first new car…

wow wow wow.

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and for those of you who know how much i love old things?

yes, i really did basically buy the new car version of the old car i’m throwing out….

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anyone wanna buy a really good engine?

winterlicious

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i am having the strangest week…

not strange bad, more in the sense of all over the place and utterly unpredictable.

for a long time my business has had one source of referrals other than my existing clients and this has bothered me; not enough to advertise or get a job in a gym but enough.  i never like being dependent on one thing because there is always the risk that the person doing the referring will suddenly decide that they don’t like me anymore.

i haven’t been particularly worried because i tend to be extremely competent and this leads to less trouble than the average self-employed pilates instructor might experience.

you see my clients send me their wives/husbands/best friends and with that kind of loyalty my business can do nothing but grow.  it might grow slowly but it will grow nonetheless.

anyway this week i met a gynecologist who asked for my card and promised referrals (one of my areas of specialisation happens to be post partum women with pelvic floor/incontinence/sexual health issues) and a personal trainer client asked for a stack of cards and in fact referred someone to me already.

so suddenly? 

i went from one to three referral sources in a week!!!

this is truly awesome, not to mention that my clients send me more and more clients each year.  hmm maybe i can stop working at seven thirty in the evening someday…

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in the meantime…

on thursday night i had dinner with a being who can make a million dollars on a ten minute phone call from a lounger on grand cayman (married, hush y’all)

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on friday night i met a woman who runs her own company and happens to be getting arthritis in her feet.  what does this mean? 

that none of her 40 years worth of shoes fit her anymore.

why does this matter to me?

i have TWENTY ONE!!!!! new pairs of high heels (well a few are flats) to add to my already ridiculous shoe collection. 

i was like a kid in a candy store i’m telling you!

god you guys some of them are SOOOO sexy.

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and on saturday?

on saturday my father enlisted my help to dig a hole. 

this would not normally be worthy of mention except for two or three little details:

it happens to be a measly nineteen below centigrade today (a mere minus two fahrenheit) and has been at least that cold for days.  it’s not traditionally known to be good hole digging weather.

of course we *were* in a steel structure, that raised the temperature at least 0.1 degree by removing the wind chill so it was really positively balmy in there…

furthermore he wanted us to dig the hole down several feet… (we gave up at the two foot mark and decided to wait for spring)

and still none of that would be worth mentioning except for this:

that is a real grin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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is that not the sexiest thing you’ve ever seen?

no like ever?

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the tragedy of my life is that i found hacking away at a frozen solid piece of earth with my father to be ridiculously fun.

best part was after we got down a foot or so he carefully positioned a space heater in the hole, covered it with a tarp, and headed in to the house for lunch.

i was sure the whole place would go up in flames but nope, back we come to a hole that is frozen solid except for three inches of mud.  you can see the mud in the pic.

even funnier is that about fifteen minutes after this pic was taken the hat was off, the scarf was gone and my jacket was hanging open… but the camera was frozen ;>

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i was *going* to do some cardio (aka ride mom’s stationary bike) but i decided that two hours with a pickaxe had to count and said screw it.

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and then tomorrow?

off to go skiing….

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you have to admit, it’s been kind of an up and down week…

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well mostly up.

oh yeah, i bought a car!

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for those of you who guessed that this ENTIRE post was so i could post the picture?

smart you…

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that may be my best fashion crime this year…

greetings

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lately i’ve been thinking about trust and it’s applications among the intimates of a person’s life.

i’ve concluded that, at first,  most people either trust fully and wait to be betrayed, trust not at all and wait/ test before trusting or don’t trust at all.  personally, i’m more of the first category.

sometimes, like when someone has done me a nasty, i find myself wishing that i was the kind of person who didn’t live her life like an open book.  that i knew how to keep myself hidden away and protected rather than out there and open to anything.

but not for long.  i’ve just had so many wild and wonderful experiences that came nearly directly from my willingness to trust my instincts and the universe and the people around me.  yes i understand that this is ostrichlike behaviour.  no i don’t care to change it.

it gets harder to remember this when trust is betrayed at a later point in a relationship and real collateral damage ensues.

i recall the time a woman i had been friends with for several years and i had a falling out.  we were having a bad patch you know?  both of us in terrible life places and not taking care of each other properly.  anyway we got mad at each other and stopped calling.

our friends knew we weren’t hanging out and that we felt hard-done-by but that is all.  we didn’t really talk about each other or fight through our friends we simply ceased to hang out.

eventually, some guy on okcupid wanted to date us both at once and we reconnected with each other.  seriously, that’s what happened.  we are now fast friends again with really no harm done.

in fact maybe we’re better friends because we ‘broke up’ and ‘got back together.’

we’ve been really shitty to each other and we’re still friends; this adds a level of trust that wasn’t there before.  something about knowing we’ll come back you know?

the reason that we can still be friends is simple:

.we did not share each other’s secrets

.we did not say shitty things about each other to mutual friends

.we had told each other our grudges to our faces (or at least on the phone)

.we heard each other

.we genuinely like each other

.one of us actually told the other that it would be nice to hang out again

i’ve had friendships end in other ways, ones that involved significantly less pleasant behaviour.

i’ve had people announce my secrets to the world and others trash talk me to every single person we had in common and then wonder why i no longer felt that friendship was possible.

it’s simple really, i can’t trust someone who didn’t keep my secrets when they didn’t like me anymore.  especially if i kept theirs.

she and i? even though we weren’t friends anymore we had each other’s backs.  we would still have defended each other to others and been mildly offended if people were saying nasty things about one of us.

i think that that is somehow an essential truth, this having of someone’s back.

the idea that you won’t fuck with someone’s life regardless of how fucked your relationship with each other will get.  i stopped speaking to one of my exes for three years but all i ever said was that we had been cruel to each other and that i missed my friend.

okay i did some bitching too.

but never to *his* friends.  only to people who had barely met him if anything.  what i didn’t do was spread rumours and try to fuck up his life.

so i still trust him and i still trust her and i still trust a lot of people that i haven’t spoken with in years.

but those others?  the ones who have rendered themselves incapable of being trusted?

what do i do with them?

what do you do with someone you love but don’t trust?

how do you have them in your life.  how especially do you deal when they’re there and you have no choice but to have them around?

what do you do when you miss them but you don’t feel like you could ever have faith in them again?  like you can’t trust them with the truths in your heart because they won’t cherish them?

was the friendship always just imaginary?

trust… it’s a funny thing.

sticky fingers

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i’m sorry that i haven’t been here.  i got some very bad news on october 24th in the afternoon and i basically couldn’t seem to figure out what to say or where to start.  my friend is dead.  that is all.

anyway i’ve been reeling and eating way too much (seriously i’m kinda like fattish again… or at least i’m developing some extra curves) food that doesn’t even taste good and i’ve been drinking a little more than i drink and basically just being in shock and not taking very good care of myself.

and i keep expecting that to improve.

like i’ll just be fine now since it’s been like a month and a whole menstrual cycle.

but i’m just kind of in this disconnected funk and i can’t really get out of it.

so i thought i would post this piece of a post started years ago with a few additions at the end and let my sticky fingers keep resting…

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“things i know to be true”[read this first and then read this the continuation of the list here]

because this list should never end…

. life is supposed to hurt otherwise it’s worthless..

. if you have to ask how my date went, you already know

. it is unbelievable how refreshing a man is that admits that he likes you

. pilates is like crack for your body

. climbing makes pretty muscles

. i’m not fat anymore

. my new shirt is fantastic

. some people like drama more than they like the people in their lives

. i have a lot of email to answer

. my other new shirt is fantastic!

. i like this blog more than i like some of the people in my life

. i’m seeing someone

. yeah i didn’t see it coming either

. and since this post started last year i’m not anymore.

. and that status has changed and changed again still since.

. it’s hard when you like people more than they like you

. it’s harder when people like you more than you like them

. okay it’s a tie

. too much is worse than not enough

. or is it the other way around?

. i’m sort of in love with another cat [it was dumped at the farm, and it's lovely and black and totally sweet if anyone wants a cat. should probably be an outdoor cat that's welcome in the house but it may come in and never ever want out again. it tries to come in a lot.]{this is no longer relevant}

. lying is never easier, no never

. i will approach you with cautious but willing trust, sincerity and goodwill. i will expect the same in return and be sad when i do not get that, but i will try every time to stay willing and open

. some loves hit you over the head like a sack of hammers and leave you ever different

others come upon you slowly and steal into your heart when you’re not even looking

. guests who won’t leave after you tell them to are extra frustrating

. dating shouldn’t be work

. sex is an excellent aphrodisiac

. i need a source of cardio that doesn’t bore the shit out of me. any suggestions?

. i never want to go to bed at bedtime. i never have and i probably never will

. all of the truth isn’t always the truth you should tell

. any kind of love is fine, it’s your hate you gotta watch (margaret cho)

. one second of inattention can ruin your whole life

. making out with strangers is more fun than i care to admit

. if you don’t know what to do, ask your inner eight and eighty year olds. they’re smart, they know what you really want to do.

. in any long running dispute, both sides are equally at fault (inglis sign)

. it’s one thing for a guy to catch your eye. and quite another for them to catch your mind (terry – queen dork)

. it’s funny what you give up sometimes when you’re looking in another direction.

. it’s especially important to tell the truth when it’s hard

. once you lose truth the trust and caring needs must follow

. forgiveness is me giving up the right to hurt you for hurting me (anonymous)

. love is friendship set on fire (anonymous)

. rain on leaves and distant crickets is one of the most soothing sounds there is

. i’m sad but my life is still good

. sadness and depression are not the same thing.

it’s learning to tell the difference that’s hard

. my new boots are ridiculously gorgeous

. it’s rude to rsvp to a party and then not show up AND not call

. driving on a country road in the fall is one of the nicer ways on earth to spend an afternoon

. i wish people would stop assuming that their personal belief system around sex (or religion for that matter) is the ‘one true way’ and that everyone else is ‘wrong’

. pain is important for perspective (debauchette)

. shopping for sperm donors is a strange and surreal experience

. i have the best job i’ve ever had

. it’s time for my nap

20 *good* questions

i lifted these from a guy’s profile on okcupid.com of all things… but don’t they look fun?

1. What is the most foolishly dangerous thing you have ever done?

i don’t know because i’m not really afraid of much.  i think it’s probably either some kind of driving insanity or unprotected sex…

2. What is something that you have always wanted to do, but haven’t had the nerve to try?

skydive and surf… one is knees and the other is money rather than nerve.

3. Have you ever embarrassed yourself (vs. gotten in trouble) in front of the law? If so, how?

i was waiting for my father to pick me up in naples, florida when a cop tried to arrest me for soliciting.  this is particularly funny because i was a virgin at the time.

4. Is there anything you regularly spend more money on than you should? If so, what?

any of eating out, books, shoes or chocolate…

5. What is your guiltiest pleasure? (vs. your naughtiest pleasure)

REALITY TEEVEE!!!!

6. What one thing most perplexes you about the opposite sex?

why say you’ll call if you’re not going to?  why bother?  i wasn’t even thinking you would until you said “i’ll call you” or “that was perfect” … if you’re not going to call?  don’t SAY YOU WILL!

7. What is the biggest thing you have ever done totally spontaneously?

lsd

8. Have you ever had the opportunity to partake in a big adventure or fulfill a major fantasy, but passed on it doing so, to your regret? Is so, what?

i could have spent the winter with the carnival in puerto rico, barbados and bahamas.  five hour workdays from 5-10pm and winter in the tropics… still regret that one.

9. Is there anything you would really like to know about a guy (gal) you meet, but feel it is inappropriate to ask too quickly? If so, what?

heh

do you mind that in about two months i’m going to start actively trying to get pregnant?  from a sperm donor?  who isn’t you?

wait wait where did you go???

otherwise: do you have any stds?

10. What is the worst or most embarrassing date you have ever had?

the one where he didn’t show up, on valentine’s day.

11. What is the most decadent thing that you have ever done?

mani-pedi at the stillwater spa at the hyatt?

hrm… it all comes back to food, i’m italian and i LOVE food so whatever it was it was food. ahhh maybe new year’s eve dinner in a restaurant in italy?

12. If you could instantly be an expert in anything, what would you choose and why?

languages.  i would love to speak a bunch of them.

why?  because with each language i learn i find a new facet of myself and learn about the world and broaden my mind and…

13. Is there anything that both turns you off and excites you? If so, what?

pain.

14. If you could be a member of the opposite sex for one day, what would you do besides have sex?

you know i hadn’t really thought beyond the sex, but i think really it would be investigate my treatment by people to see if it really is different man vs woman.

15. What is the most noteworthy outfit you have worn out on an ordinary day? (Halloween or costume parties excluded.)

aw geeze now i can’t mention my bettie page night outfits…

um… when i was a sweet young thing i used to hang out in rock and roll bars…

so something like a hot pink miniskirt, tall boots and a fringed leather jacket plus bra and a LOT of makeup and BIG hair…

16. What is something outrageous you have done that you can’t believe you got away with, without being caught?

still as a teenager… shoplifting.

a lot.

17. What is something that you now know about the opposite sex that you wish you had known a long-time ago?

not to take them so seriously … life without a man in it is still a fine life.  or maybe not to invest until they proved worth caring about.

18. If a genie granted you three kinky wishes, what would they be?

an orgy

having a penis for a day

hrm… *smiles*

19. Do you have any inhibitions that you wish you could give up? If so, what?

i worry too much about other people when i should be worrying about myself.  who cares if they are uncomfortable… me that’s who.

i kind of wish i cared less about my cats and my clients and wasn’t afraid to sell it all and move somewhere at the opposite ends of the earth… just because

(as i typed that my cat mouse head butted me)

20. What do you think of these 20 questions?

i think they were fun and that they might just become a blogmeme  :)

maintenance

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there’s this thing that men that like me say about me along about the second or third date and it always makes me crazy.  it makes me crazy the way being called perfect does and for many of the same nebulous and hard to pin down reasons.

they tell me that i’m awesome because i’m not high maintenance.  and at first i thought this was a great thing to hear, i mean who wants to be high maintenance right?  who wants to be that kind of pain in the ass person right?

it’s just that somehow there’s this entire host of assumptions that go along with this idea that i’m low maintenance.

see that?  see that little switch i pulled?  yeah i didn’t either for a while.  you see when they say that i’m not high maintenance what they mean is that i’m low maintenance and you know what?

those two terms are not interchangeable.

i still want flowers and bon bons and random dinners just because.

i want champagne and door holding and silly romance just for the sake of it.

i’m still difficult and capricious and stubborn and i want my own way and i’m always right of course.

i want valentine’s day in july and my birthday in march and i want to be treasured and respected and wooed.

i also want to be treated like an equal and expected to participate fully in the building and caring for a shared life.  i don’t mean that i want to be a sheltered daisy but i do want something that being ‘low maintenance’ doesn’t seem to lead to.

somehow when you’re low maintenance you’re a host of other things too, things that i don’t entirely have words or descriptions for.  thinks like easy, passive, not stubborn, without strong opinions… and yet that’s not what i mean.

somehow low maintenance equals don’t have to try or something.  i’m not being fair to at least one man i’ve dated in the past okay?

i don’t even know how to protest it really i mean what do you say?  how do you put this into words on a second or third date without coming across like some sore of semantically insane woman who is too picky about words?

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it’s kind of like the word perfect. somehow being beautiful and fascinating and hot and stunningly intelligent are all good where the word perfect makes my skin crawl.

literally.

perfect puts you up on some kind of pedestal that no one can actually survive the fall from.  it’s as though you are stuck up in the aerie and admired from a distance until the little things start to add up and then the rocks start flying.

the rocks start flying and you fall off the damn pedestal and there you are beaten and bloody on the ground and no longer good enough.

and you can’t measure up to that initial impression, you just can’t.

what i can’t figure out is how to sort the pedestalling men from the regular men.  like how exactly can you tell when a man is going to stick you on a pedestal and hate you when you fall off versus just thinking that you’re awesome but recognizing you as a human being?

because at first?  at first i think those two things probably look exactly the same.

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i really don’t want to start having to wear four inch heels as a symbol of my high maintenanceness i really don’t but i fear that my easy hair and casual demeanor may be getting me in trouble.

setting me up as it were to be something i’m actually not because you know what?

i’m high maintenance too, i’m just not high maintenance about my fucking hair!

:)

disdatndeudderting

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so i have some news that will not please some of you; nayrb and i decided a while ago to call it quits.

we were… not treating each other as well as we might have and all the talking in the world wasn’t making it better.  worse maybe since i think the talking was irritating us rather than doing any good.

basically we got steadily less nice to each other.  i got impatient and frustrated and he got kinda needy and we just kept pushing buttons and not really treating each other with kindness.

i’ve been kind of in shock really.

it’s not so much that we believed that we would *never* break up but that we had this deep affection for each other over and above the usual new toy neurological imperatives.  we expected that we would be able to deal with whatever the universe chose to throw at us, that we would at least be together for a few years.

and then it just started to go bad and it didn’t get better.

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look a picture of me!  in my studio!  in my living room! on the phone!

me n' my studio...

isn’t it purty?

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weirder even than being single again?

dating.

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look harriet!

sunny!

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mouse with the same ball!

my ball!

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there, see how i distract you with pictures?

really though, he and i are both okay and i’m pretty sure we both think this is for the best.  we remain friendly and are in fact considering throwing a ’sass n’nayrb split up – bring someone suitable’ party but we’re not sure everyone else would appreciate the humor involved.

still considering it though.

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i think maybe the things we saw as problems the very first week might have had a lot to do with it, hard to say though.

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in other news; i’m thinking of leaving my band.

there is a person in it who continues to make me uncomfortable in a pretty shitty way some two or three times a year.  and i know it’s her problem and not mine i *really really* do but that doesn’t mean i particularly want her negativity in my life any longer.

it’s desperately difficult for me to imagine not hitting my drum and singing at the top of my lungs every thursday night but aren’t these things supposed to make you happy!???!

truly i love the band and i regret regularly that i ever mentioned it in her presence.  i think i knew from the first that it would come to this but i don’t know how else to handle it.

i love the guys in that band i really do; they are some of the most amazing people that i have in my life and their bickering and interaction and just general good-natured fun with each other never cease to amuse me [except for the occasional moments when i want to kill them of course.]

either way, after her latest insult i will have to stay away for a little while for fear that i will say what i think.  she is a rather fragile human and most of her issue with me seems to stem from lack of self-confidence so really, anything i say will only serve to make it worse.

frankly i wish i could tell her to take her crap and fuck off.  but i can’t… the guys adore us both.

dammit! dammit! dammit!

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doesn’t harriet look hilarious with that ball and the sun?

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happy weekend!

feast days

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it’s funny this being self-employed thing you know?  one minute you’re starving and paying for books with twonies [canadian two dollar coins] and the next you’re depositing more than fifteen hundred dollars in cheques from your clients and your piggy bank has spare cash in it again.

it’s a truly odd experience if you had gotten used to twice monthly pay cheques that always came out to the same amount or so.

even odder?  i will deposit the same amount again in the next couple of weeks and suddenly have my rent paid two months in advance.  the same rent i’m barely paying this month.

the thing you don’t really understand when you become self-employed is just how weird it is to have no financial stability at all and just how much pressure that actually puts on your shoulders all.the.time.

all.the.time.  even when the credit card is paid down to zero and the bank account has nice amounts of cash in it there is nonetheless this little piece that knows *exactly* how far that money will go and when more is expected.

furthermore that same piece always expects every single client to quit without notice.  kind of a shitty thing to have wandering around your shoulders you know?

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in other news i recently attended the eaglewood folk festival in lovely pefferlaw ontario and i cannot think of a better way to start a vacation.  just can’t.

it was like i took two weeks off instead of one because i was so relaxed by the end of the first weekend.

course hanging at the farm with my parents was sure a nice way to spend the REST of my vacation!

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so i’ve ranked the festivals i attended this year, ready?

mariposa: best musical lineup

hillside: best food

summerfolk: comfy like an old shoe

eaglewood: best all around time

:)

and good christ is the weather ever awesome this week!